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All I Want Is to Be 84 Years Old so I Can Give Negative-Infinity Fucks Like Quincy Jones
The entire span of my 30s has been an exercise in attempting to give the fewest fucks possible. It hasn’t been easy. Fucks are sticky. Fucks are Velcro. Fucks are pieces of confetti you still occasionally find in a sweater you wore to a New Year’s Eve party in 2015. Just when you think you’re…
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Pastors With Bentleys and the Messy Psychology of Money
Black Pittsburgh Facebook was on fire yesterday because the pastor of a popular church here, Mount Ararat, seems to have recently purchased a Bentley Bentayga. A photo of the truck parked outside the church has gone Pittsburgh viral, with hundreds of people offering their thoughts on the pastor’s purchase. Here are some of mine. 1.…
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The Difference Between ‘Hungry’ and ‘Thirsty,’ Explained
Thank you for the kind words! I should tell you, though, that this explainer is actually about the colloquial use of “hungry” and “thirsty,” not the standard definitions. Shit. I need to hurry with this explainer, then, because you’re gonna die soon. Anyway, in a colloquial sense, “thirsty” and “hungry” both mean the same…
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Is It Racist to Hate the New England Patriots Because They Have Too Many White Players? (Hint: Nope!)
You do not have to search very far to find good and moral reasons to hate the New England Patriots (also, to be clear, this is a sports hate, not a hate hate—hate hates are reserved for soggy chicken wings, cave crickets and Post Malone). In fact, you don’t have to search at all. If…
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America Will Not Stop Until Martin Luther King Jr. Is Completely Rebranded as a Slice of Avocado Toast
America’s progressive distilling, dissolution and dissolving of Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy and the accompanying appropriation of his words is truly a wonder to behold. It is like watching someone pour themselves a shot of Jack Daniels—but in a gallon jug instead of a shot glass. And then watching them add more and more ice…
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The World’s 10 Greatest Solemn-Ass Negroes, Ranked
I forgot who it was who first told me that Ice Cube never smiles in movies. I think it was a Delta because that’s a very Delta observation to make. But yeah, Ice Cube never smiles in movies. I imagine Queensbridge project life is hard, but I had no idea it was so hard that…
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Is It Safe Now to Talk About How the Congressional Black Caucus’ State of the Union ‘Protest’ Was Just Kente Cloth Cosplay?
I was on a flight from Washington, D.C., to Pittsburgh during the State of the Union, so I missed the entire thing. Actually, “missed,” in this context, is somewhat misleading. Because even if I had been able to watch it, I probably wouldn’t have. Because the absurd theater of what happens when President Donald Trump…
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Reviews of Black Panther, Reviewed
Um, not exactly … Well … I didn’t actually … I didn’t actually see the movie, man. This is just a review of all the reviews I’ve read so far today. Nah. I didn’t get an invite. I mean, I do plan to see the movie. And I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. But none of…
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Are We Certain That Britt McHenry and Tomi Lahren Aren’t the Exact Same Person?
Earlier Monday afternoon, Deadspin revealed that Professional White Woman Britt McHenry bought many of her Twitter followers. And that she then jumped on Twitter to have a death match with the “liberal media” about it. And then said something about fake news. And then went on the radio Monday morning to basically say, “Oh yeah,…
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10 People the Newly Finger Waved Katie Holmes Looks Like
The Grammys happened Sunday night. Bruno Mars won everything, Jay-Z won nothing and Rihanna made everyone pregnant. Basically, business as usual. Except it wasn’t. Because Katie Holmes—who is one half of Hollywood’s second-most “I guess they really are together, huh?” couple (Laura Dern and Baron Davis are the standard-bearers there)—came out to present an award…
