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The NFL Is an Internet Troll
I did not realize it was Memorial Day weekend until two hours ago, when the server at the restaurant where I ate breakfast asked if I had any holiday plans. “Oh yeah,” I thought to myself, while finishing the last strip of bacon and bite of egg (fried over hard) on my plate. “I guess…
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A List of Things Much Better (and Safer!) Than Water to Throw at Stupid, Silly, Dangerous Racists
Someone threw some water at sentient box of racist baking soda Tomi Lahren, and the question of whether it was a justifiable act is now apparently such a thing that our loose-bootied-ass president even saw fit to weigh in. Personally, I believe it was an inappropriate act. Although Toenail Laryngitis is a hateful and ghoulish…
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The Full Story of the White Woman Arrested for Petting a Black Woman’s Dog Is Even Wilder (and Whiter) Than You Think
As I noted yesterday, Becky With the Bold Hands went through the entire gamut of aggrieved white weaponry when she was detained by police officers for attempting to pet a black woman’s dog without permission. Tears, kicks, threats, panic attacks smoothly transitioning into lucid vulgarities—it was like watching Beatrix Kiddo at the House of Blue…
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Becky With the Bold Hands: White Woman Arrested for Attempting to Pet Black Woman’s Dog Without Permission
On the list of “Headlines I’ve always wished to write but assumed I’d never have the chance to,” “White Person Arrested for Petting a Black Person’s Dog Without Permission” might actually be No. 1, narrowly beating “Zimmerman Stampeded in Pamplona; Remains Yet to Be Found” and “Reparations Approved by Congress on One Condition: Deport R.…
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Is It Safe to Admit I’m Just Happy It’s the White Side of Meghan Markle’s Family Acting a Damn Fool?
The royal wedding is happening at some point this week. I haven’t been following the news blow by blow, but I know enough to know the main characters. Meghan Markle (who I enjoyed on Suits) is marrying Prince Harry (who is a prince). They look nice together in pictures, like the cover models for a…
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‘Calling the Police’ Is White People’s AppleCare for Black People
You’d think learning that Sarah Braasch—the woman who called the police on Yale graduate student Lolade Siyonbola for #NappingWhileBlack—is a philosophy Ph.D. candidate who’s studied gender and law would add something to this story. A surprise, perhaps, that a person who has undoubtedly encountered lessons on unconscious bias and systemic oppression would be so transparently…
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If You’re Still Mad That People Didn’t Want You in High School, I Get It, but Please (for Your Own Sake) Get Over It
If you happened to be a teenager in 1996, and if you were a teenager who also happened to be black, there is a moderate to strong likelihood that you have a soft spot in your heart for the Ghost Town DJs. If this describes you and you heard Virgo Williams’ 18-word-long a cappella soothe…
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A List of the Fucks I Give About the Snitch-Ass Police Dogs That’ll Be Unemployed if Marijuana Is Legalized
1. Zero fucks 2. Nil fucks 3. Nan fucks 4. Zot fucks 5. Zip fucks 6. Nada fucks 7. Void fucks 8. Zilch fucks 9. Squat fucks 10. A negative fuck 11. A fuck that exists on an event horizon, which means it doesn’t really exist, at least not with the properties that we’ve come…
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Making Donald Glover the ‘Anti-Kanye’ Is Gross and Wrong and Will Backfire, so Please Don’t
I spent Saturday evening in a room full of black people, celebrating the birthday of a friend and the genius possessed by two people who were not in that room: LeBron James and Donald Glover. The first part of our night was devoted to the second half of the Cleveland Cavaliers game, and as we…
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How to Speak in Front of Large Groups of People When You’re an Introvert and It Terrifies You
It’s been nine (!!!) years now since I was invited to serve as a panelist for Paul Carrick Brunson’s Modern Day Matchmaker live event in Washington, D.C., which means it’s been nine years since the first time I spoke in front of a large audience. And also it’s been nine years since I was so…