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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 35. Pretending to Enjoy La Croix
Although bougie black people have grown to be adaptable to all seasons, summertime is when they’re truly in their element. Between the numerous festivals, fests, day parties, block parties, clam bakes, fish fries, boat rides, and bottomless trap brunches occurring weekly in places BBP congregate, it provides them prime opportunity to see and be seen.…
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Are White Sneakers Worth the Trouble? (An Important Debate)
White sneakers are a thing that many people own and occasionally wear. I own two pairs, and I’ve enjoyed the experience of owning and wearing them. I would imagine that other wearers and owners of white sneakers have similar positive thoughts about them. Wearing white sneakers is like drinking grapefruit juice. It might not be…
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10 Quick Things About What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker, an Upcoming Memoir in Essays From Damon Young
Yes, I did. It’s right there in my bio, man. But just in case you didn’t read—and you very obviously didn’t—in the fall of 2016, I signed a two-book deal with Ecco Books, an imprint of HarperCollins. This is the first book. It’s a look at some of the absurdities, angsts and anxieties of existing…
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Amazon Should Replace Literally Every White Man to Save Local Taxpayers Money
There was a time that white men offered the local community lots of services in exchange for their tax money. They would invent things like the Snickers bar and the shoelace, they wouldn’t exist as things named Tekashi 6ix9ine, and they saved Private Ryan. Residents could borrow any white man they wanted, marry it, and…
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A Running List of Things Straight Men Can’t and Shouldn’t Do Because It’ll Make Us Gay
Running List of Things Straight Men Can’t and Shouldn’t Do Because It’ll Make Us Gay
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15 (Usually) White Pickup Basketball Players We Need to Start Calling the Cops on Too
I’m just saying. If they’re going to call the cops on us for setting hard screens, we can easily return the favor. 1. The hairy guy with no shirt whose back is basically a sheen of sweat and fur. 2. The guy with khaki shorts and a backwards baseball cap on. 3. The hockey/lacrosse/soccer/football player…
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A Minute-by-Minute Breakdown of the Destiny's Child Episode of MTV Cribs in 2000
0:01: The camera pans down a spiral staircase as we’re greeted with a bubbly and aggressively southern voice that we soon learn belongs to Beyoncé Knowles, the lead singer of Destiny’s Child. And if we weren’t quite sure that she’s the leader, her entire stomach is out. Only leaders are allowed to have their entire…
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The 10 Best Things About Being a 'Confirmed Black Racist'
Over the weekend, I received a quite kind email from a man named “Jake” with a series of screenshots from articles I’ve written about white people attached to it. The subject of the email read “Your a Confirmed Black Racist.” I was immediately compelled to thank Jake for gathering so much of my work in…
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After Living in 21 Different Homes, I Finally Have My Own House
During the first 18 years of my life, my parents and I lived at seven different addresses. There was (in chronological order) my mom’s mom’s (Nana’s) house. Then an apartment in East Liberty in Pittsburgh. Then a house in Lincoln-Lemington. Then a house in Verona. Then another house in Verona a block away from the…
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I Was Wrong. Cephus, Not Washington, Is America's Blackest Last Name
Two years ago, I wrote a thing asking which was the single blackest last name. After an intense vet involving census results, personal recollections, proximities to yams, and even a consultation from an Adam Clayton Powell hologram, the list was narrowed to four: Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, and Jenkins. Washington was eventually declared the blackest of…
