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Kanye’s Politics Are What Happens When You Don’t Read Books
As someone who still owns land on Yeezy Island, I was anxious when Kanye West made his return to Twitter a couple weeks ago. Because as those who haven’t yet sold their Yeezy properties know, every time he opens his mouth, property values plummet. So imagine my pleasant surprise when I saw that his subject…
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200 Words About the Ain’t-Shit Cops Who Were Called on the Black Men at Starbucks
“This is some bullshit” are the four words you’d hope a crowd of police officers—people with actual crime to fight or maybe just actual boxes of doughnuts to eat—would say when called to question and arrest two men whose only apparent crimes occurred when the Starbucks manager decided they were criminals. She literally spoke their…
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No One Told Me That Getting Older Meant That You Literally Just Keep Aging Until You Die!
In the last three weeks, I’ve flown to Los Angeles for an event with The Glow Up; to Durham, N.C., for a wedding; and to Austin, Texas, to speak at the University of Texas. Which means that because Pittsburgh is Pittsburgh, and apparently the only place to which our airport has direct flights is McKeesport,…
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I Don’t Trust White People in ‘Black’ Spaces. I Don’t Call the Cops on Them, but Perhaps I Should
Back when I was a high school English teacher, I had a white female colleague (“Katie”) who not only dated black men but was also one of those white women who exclusively date black men and let everyone know that they only date black men whatever chance they get. Example: “Hey, were you able to download…
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Dear White People: Please Stop Doing Silly Racist Shit. Discovering New Things to Boycott Is Exhausting
As is the case with many people who work remotely, I spend a considerable amount of time in coffee shops and cafés. I am in one now, actually, and I am currently eating Brussels spouts because they’re healthy and tasty and because the managers at said shop are so impressed with my luscious beard that…
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Uncles, Ranked
199,783. Uncle Tom 199,354. Scar, from The Lion King 18. Uncle Sam 17. Uncle Ruckus 16. Uncle Remus 15. Uncle Ben (rice) 14. Uncle Murda 13. Uncle Scrooge 12. Uncle Ben (Spider-Man) 11. Uncle Grandpa 10. Uncle Luke 9. Uncle Drew 8. Uncle Buck 7. Uncle Jesse 6. Uncle Snoop 5. Uncle Junior 4. Uncle…
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A List of Things I’d Rather See Taylor Swift Cover Than Earth, Wind & Fire’s ‘September’
1. An in-ground swimming pool with a weatherproof tarp. 2. Her mouth. 3. The ESPYs as a special correspondent for C-SPAN. 4. A chicken breast with a generous helping of Old Bay. 5. Her shoulders with a sweater if she was out somewhere and it got a bit colder than she expected it to be…
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Does Tristan Thompson Have More Side Chicks or Post Moves? (An Investigation)
Here are the facts. Tristan Thompson plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers. At the moment, he is the third-best Canadian in the NBA, a fact that doesn’t mean anything, but somehow also means everything. He is also a new dad today (congrats!) after his girlfriend Khloé Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. This is Kardashian’s…
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Why We Don’t Trust White People’s Potato Salad, Explained
Are you going to ask a question? Because right now you’re just stating facts. Which I appreciate—yay, facts! I just want to know if there’s a question there. Ah. Well, before I answer, I want us all to take some time to watch and appreciate that skit again. Also, just to let you know that…
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How to Make White People Uncomfortable
1. Be black. 2. Be not white. 3. Be not white and not American. 4. Tell the truth. 5. Cite facts. 6. Talk about the past. 7. Talk about the present day. 8. Talk about the future. 9. Say things like “Hi” and “Excuse me” and “Perhaps, if I were so inclined, I’d meet you…
