-
How Racist Would You Be if Black People Could Actually Be Racist?
One of the great disappointments in my life—perhaps the greatest disappointment, really—is that black people in America do not possess the ability to be racist. We can try our damnedest and hate our hardest, but because of the way racism works, we’ll never quite be able to wield the sought-after status of “racist.” Which, in…
-
20 Questions for the Heathens Who Refuse to Eat at Chain Restaurants
1. Who raised you? 2. No, seriously. Who raised you? Asking because I need to know who your parental figures are so I can reach out to them and tell them that they raised a child who acts like they’re too good for Burgatory. 3. What did Burgatory ever do to you, except offer delicious…
-
Is It a Coincidence That Today’s Most Outspoken Black Male Athletes Are Married to Black Women? (Hint: Nah)
In 2005, Kanye West articulated the perceived inevitability of successful black men leaving black women for white women in “Gold Digger”—a song 1) in which he was speaking specifically to black women and 2) that he created while he was likely dating either Alexis Phifer or Brooke Crittendon (actual black women). Considering Kanye’s present life,…
-
Who Said Dreams Don’t Come True? Red Lobster Debuts Lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit Waffles
Remember, like, two hours ago when I said that no one gives a shit about your dreams? Because dreams are so exclusive and hyperesoteric that they don’t have any real meaning to anyone else? Well, I take that all back! It’s all lies! Because I’ve definitely had dreams about waffles. And I’ve had dreams about…
-
Things About You That No One Actually Gives a Shit About, Ranked
15. Your dreams (and not like your hopes and dreams and shit—people should care about those—but the dream you had last night about clowns and chicken-fried tofu. No one cares). 14. Your unsolicited dating preferences. 13. Your parenting advice if you’ve never had children and your marriage advice if you’ve never been married (also, it…
-
The ‘Dread Train,’ Where (White) People Tie Their Dreadlocks Together, Is More Proof That White People Must Be Stopped
If you’re as big a fan of True Romance as I am—and consider it, as I do, the quintessential Tony Scott film—perhaps you’ve imagined how it would look if Drexl (the dreadlocked pimp played by Gary Oldman) and Floyd (the perpetually stoned roommate played by Brad Pitt) decided to clone themselves a dozen times, and…
-
If You’re a Person Who Says ‘I Just Respect Your Vision and I Want to Build With You,’ Please Stop Doing This
Because as Luvvie articulated a few weeks ago, it is the global mantra of professional time wasters. Because it’s ice-breaking and networking jargon that doesn’t actually mean anything (no, seriously—it doesn’t mean anything). Because what the hell do you want to build? A fondue castle? A Lego playground? An Ikea bookcase? Because even if you…
-
Days Black People Are Most Likely to Be Called the N-Word, Ranked
1. St. Patrick’s Day 2. New Year’s Eve 3. Wednesday (any) 4. Columbus Day 5. The anniversary of the O.J. Simpson verdict 6. MLK Day 7. The night of a presidential election 8. Memorial Day 9. Mardi Gras 10. Black Friday 11. Saturday (any) 12. The Fourth of July 13. The first of the month…
-
When You Share Your Mess With the Public, the Public Will Share (and Talk About and Joke About) Your Mess. Duh!
During their now viral appearance on The Breakfast Club Thursday morning—and after DJ Envy pulled the greatest stunt of illogical beige rage since G Money in New Jack City—Kid Mero appeared to throw DJ Envy a bone. While admitting that husbands can (and should) be sensitive about their wives, he shared a story about chasing…
-
The Creation of the Avocado Toast Cocktail Is the Whitest Thing That Has Ever Happened
My eyes have seen some pretty damn white things. I once saw a single speck of pepper on top of a presumably seasoned chicken breast placed on my plate at a white person’s wedding in 2003. When I quickly glanced into the serving tray to see if, perhaps, this single peppered breast was rogue, an…
