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I Was Wrong. Cephus, Not Washington, Is America's Blackest Last Name
Two years ago, I wrote a thing asking which was the single blackest last name. After an intense vet involving census results, personal recollections, proximities to yams, and even a consultation from an Adam Clayton Powell hologram, the list was narrowed to four: Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, and Jenkins. Washington was eventually declared the blackest of…
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This Is the America White People Wished For. This Is the America White People Want
Since the 2016 presidential election, I have read and I have heard from people—mostly white but some nonwhite—that it’s unfair to generalize about white people just because Donald Trump is now our president. The rush to defend themselves has been so unceasing that #NotAllWhitePeople has become a popular and synopsizing shorthand for that collection of…
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10 Observations From My First Essence Festival, the ‘Super Bowl for Black Women’
1. At some point during the two-hour layover at O’Hare International Airport on my trip from Pittsburgh to New Orleans last weekend, a supernatural force compelled me to glance up from my laptop and scan the gate around me. There was a shift in the space-time continuum that the universe was attempting to alert me…
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A List of Things That Just Ain’t Worth the Trouble
1. Fireworks 2. Eating Maryland blue crabs 3. Jogging 4. Standing in most lines 5. Long-distance relationships 6. Most white people 7. Regret 8. School reunions 9. Crowds 10. The NFL 11. Rinsing dishes before they’re placed in the sink 12. Defending the misdeeds of famous people 13. Cheap suits 14. October 15. New Year’s…
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Black Women Are People. Expecting Them to Be Our Saviors and Superheroes Is Killing Them
Of the myriad factors contributing to my mom’s death, the one I have the least concrete proof for is the one to which I attribute the most blame. I cannot prove that she died at 60 because she was a working-class black woman in a country built on and violent towards people who looked and…
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This Dad Giving His Daughter a Virtual Rollercoaster Ride Is the Blackest (and Best) Thing I've Ever Seen This Week
Perhaps later this year, after the midterms and/or in two years after the next presidential election, we’ll be able to confirm the existence of the silver linings we hope the Trump presidency has gifted us. Maybe the Democratic Party will actually embrace a more progressive and inclusive agenda instead of just positioning themselves as the…
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LeBron James Is Already the Greatest Laker of the 21st Century
It seems unfair for one sports franchise to receive such fortune. With LeBron’s decision to move to Los Angeles, eight of the NBA’s top 20 players ever will have played for the Lakers while in their prime. For much of this spring and summer—shit, for much of his career—LeBron’s place in the NBA’s legacy hierarchy…
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A 246-Word-Long Review of Drake's Scorpion
You ever put a frozen waffle in the toaster but not quite long enough and you bite into it and the inside is still frozen? But you don’t want to put it back in the toaster, so you eat that sad-ass, half-froze waffle while pretending it ain’t a sad-ass, half-froze waffle? And then you go…
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25 Questions for the Random White People Who Try to Touch My Baby in Public
1. Why do you think it’s cool to try to touch my baby? 2. Do you realize that my baby is 2? 3. And that she literally just learned the concepts of “yes” and “no” a year ago? 4. Which means that even if she says “yes” when you ask her if you can touch…
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30 Ways White People Say 'Black People' Without Actually Saying 'Black People'
1. Urban 2. Inner city 3. At risk 4. Low income 5. Thug 6. Welfare recipient/dependent 7. Any out of context reference to Chicago (This, btw, also works for Detroit.) 8. Drug dealer (Interestingly enough, not drug addict. Perhaps because drug addict implies a passivity and victimhood that drug dealer does not.) 9. Single parent(s)…
