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Y’all’s Triflin’-Ass President Can’t Even Sit Up Straight During a Funeral
Look at this shiftless and triflin’ fuck. Sitting in the front row of a funeral, with the world’s attention on him—hundreds of millions of eyes, perhaps—and he looks like a 6th grader whose parents dragged him to Les Miserables on ice. He’s the leader of the free world (shit), and he couldn’t even bother to…
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Quiz: How Hotep Were You In College?
Although the people who’ve come to be known as hoteps get a bad rap today, I have a measure of sympathy for them because I went through a moderate hotep phase in college — something I know many 35-to-45 year old black people can definitely relate to. Basically, being a hotep is like smoking weed.…
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The Privilege of Being Remembered Like a Dead White Man
Did you know that houses owned by black Americans are undervalued by an average of $48,000 per home? Combined, this makes for 156 billion dollars in losses—a discrepancy called a “segregation tax.” I didn’t know this either, until a recent study by the Brookings Institute articulated exactly how pervasive this brand of bias is, and…
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My Little Girl Turns Three Today. Here’s a Story About My Dad, Her ‘Peepaw’
In the summer of 1990, each day the weather and his schedule permitted, my dad and I would leave our rowhouse on Mellon Street and walk four blocks up Hays Street to the basketball courts lurking behind what was then Peabody High School. Once there, we’d park at one of the “good” hoops — either…
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Things That Are Racist, Ranked
50. Gravity. 49. Cold weather. 48. Stop signs. 47. Chicken-fried steak. 46. Astrology. 45. Male pattern baldness. 44. Kawhi Leonard’s laugh. 43. Gout. 42. Daylight saving time. 41. Internet browsing and chat histories. 40. White people, generally. 39. Colonoscopy prep. 38. Wet socks. 37. The apartment buildings that are erected in urban spaces after they’ve…
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10 Awkward AF Things That Soliciting Blurbs for Your Book Also Feels Like
The writing of blurbs—the succinct quotes of praise from an author’s peers that exist on a book’s front and back covers—has become a “nuclear arms race” that can drain blurb writers of their most valuable asset (time), writes Marie Myung-Ok Lee yesterday in an extensive feature on this quirk of the publishing industry. (A piece…
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I Think I'm Done Pretending to Enjoy Cold Weather
“Oh,” I’d say, occasionally and irritatingly, to the people who’d lament the approaching cold, “but what about the sweaters?” Of course, I don’t wear sweaters. I own sweaters—many luxurious sweaters, and some even from The Gap. But I don’t wear them anymore because I don’t like how they look on my body. Instead, I wear…
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In Your Lifetime, How Many Different People Have Cut and/or Done Your Hair?
It started with a pre-Thanksgiving conversation about how sensitive we (black men) are with our hair, a discussion sparked by a homie’s lament that he needs to find a new barber because his current one is moving out of state soon. And then one of us claimed, “In my lifetime, I’ve probably had more girlfriends…
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Throw Away Your Romaine Lettuce and Then Put the Rest of These Trash Foods in the Trash, Too
Jello Green bean casserole Turkey lunch meat Dates Boiled hot dogs Cottage cheese Coconut water Tiramisu Candy corn Easter Peeps Iceberg lettuce All puddings Mountain Dew Beets Turkey bacon Chicken nuggets Gin Pumpkin-flavored anything Hard-boiled eggs Caviar Prunes Hard pretzels Marriott Rewards Continental Breakfast sausage gravy Muffins Brownies Relish Unsweetened iced tea Coffee Sauerkraut Beer-battered…
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Racist White Woman Sues Bank of New York Mellon; Claims She Was Fired Because She's a…Racist White Woman
Perhaps there should be a section at Giant Eagle or Whole Foods (or any other supermarket with a bakery) that’s solely devoted to racist pastries. Racist donuts, racist cookies, racist pies, racist cannoli—a one-stop shop for all of your bigoted baked goods. You could even have racist bakers who specialize in flakey racist sweet treats.…
