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I'm My 'Ancestors' Wildest Dreams?' Nah, Bruh. I Ain't That Special
Maybe 15 years ago, upset that I couldn’t remember the details of these epic dreams I kept having, I started leaving a notebook at my bedside to jot them down. “Ha!,” I thought to myself, as I believed I finally found a method to capture my subconscious. “I’m clever as fuck!,” I also thought to…
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The Case for Washcloths: Why White People Need to Wash Their Damn Legs
I really don’t know what to write to introduce this video, so I’m just going to be literal. It has recently been revealed, through various social media platforms, that some people who happen to be white have boycotted the entire leg- and hand-washing experience. This information was—and is—well, perplexing, and I try to make sense…
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White People Are Boring
Soggy toilet paper sheet repurposed as a mesh romper for bougie chipmunks David Brooks emerged from his seltzer waterbed today to warn us that the Democrats will definitely lose the Presidential election if we don’t remember to be as damp as he is. He is maybe not wrong—perhaps a can of La Croix might have…
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How It Feels to Be ‘Inside Out’ After 40 Years of Keeping Everything In
“I didn’t expect to know this much about your dick.” I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just start with the bar I sat at while writing this. No alcohol was served or consumed, but I could see my three tour companions: a bottle of Cutty Sark and a bottle of Lazzaroni—the ingredients for…
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Why This All-White Memorial Day Weekend Sale at Macy’s Is the Blackest Thing That Ever Happened This Week
1. Because reserving an entire section of the store for Memorial Day soirees, crispy cabaret linens, post-prom line-up BBQs and Kenny Lattimore jazz cruise brunches on skinny rivers proves that someone at Macy’s clearly did their research and knows we’re approaching prime “niggas throwing and/or attending parties where you’re mandated to wear all white” party…
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They Don’t Want to Preserve Life. They Just Want to Punish Women and Enact Pain
Last weekend, I was invited to a brunch hosted by Ebele Okobi, who is Facebook’s Head of Public Policy, Africa, and was my de facto tour guide and event planner during my week abroad. There were nine of us there—an African diasporic reunion of black people scattered throughout the globe but settled in London. Among…
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Video: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker, Explained
Today is What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker’s birthday, and to celebrate it, here’s me talking about the book. And also parenthood, the value of humor, Darius Lovehall, and existing while black in white America. And by “talking about the book” I mean “talking about the book and also reading one of my terrible,…
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Things Michael Rosfeld Can Do Today In Pittsburgh, America's Most Livable City, Because He's Free (And Antwon Rose Can't Because Michael Rosfeld Killed Him)
1. Watch a pierogi race at a Bucs game. 2. Ride the Duquesne incline down from Mt. Washington, and take in the city’s amazing skyline. 3. Eat a Primanti Brothers sandwich in the Strip District or Oakland. 4. Ride the Phantom’s Revenge at Kennywood Park, and grab a funnel cake (with strawberries) to go on…
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Everything You Need to Know About What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker, Explained
Crazy right? “Excited” is a word that exists. Unfortunately, it is not a word I’d use to encapsulate my feelings about this. Anxious, sweaty, and scared shitless are much more apt. Terrified works too if you’re a socialist. Maybe excited will get here eventually, but it’s taking its time. Excited is taking the scenic route.…
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An Investigation: Does Jerrod Carmichael Say the N-Word ‘With the Hard R’ in This Clip About His Family Asking Him for Money?
In a now viral clip from an upcoming episode of LeBron James’ The Shop, the topic of financial obligations to family members is brought up, and a few of the men present—Meek Mill, 2 Chainz, and Jerrod Carmichael specifically—weigh in. Although it’s impossible to possess an accurate judgment of their true feelings about assisting family…