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You're Working From Home, Stressed, and Want to Defeat the Coronavirus? Masturbate!
In just the past 24 hours, the NBA suspended its season, the NCAA suspended most conference tournaments (and, by the time you read this, might have already postponed the NCAA tournament), countless schools and universities have shuttered their campuses, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson revealed that they have the coronavirus, and we were collectively reminded,…
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A Conversation With a Wise Old Black Negro Who Voted for Joe Biden
“Hey Sweetie,” Miss Mable said, as she welcomed me onto her porch. “Would you like some tea?” Mable Jenkins was known in this sleepy, sticky, southern, black community for two things—her sweet tea and her preternatural tendency to vote for moderate Democrats in highly contested primaries—so of course, I accepted. “The kids call me Miss…
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Donald Trump Will NOT Catch the Coronavirus, So Don't Pray For It to Happen or Try to Speak It Into Existence
I’m not quite sure when exactly it happened, but at some point in the past week my coronavirus-related anxiety shifted from “this is a thing I should think about, I guess” to “this is a thing I should actively worry about.” Even if we’re able to effectively contain the spread of it, it now seems…
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An Open Letter to the (White) Men in Airport Restrooms Who Refuse to Wash Their Hands
Hey Thad. It is Thad, right? How did I know that was your name? Lucky guess, I guess. Anyway, I know you’re in a rush. We’re in Gate A and your flight to Austin boards in 22 minutes from Gate E, and Charlotte Douglas International Airport is arbitrarily and unnecessarily massive, so I’ll keep this…
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A Eulogy for 'But What About Harvey Weinstein, Tho?'
We regret to inform you that “But What About Harvey Weinstein, Tho?”—the bizarre and increasingly popular defense of R. Kelly, Russell Simmons, Bill Cosby and any other black man some (idiots) feel has been unfairly persecuted and scapegoated by the media, feminists, black women, SANS (simp-ass niggas), Oprah Winfrey, Gayle King, and the Illuminati—has died…
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My Life as a Black Who Flies First Class
“What do you call a black man in first class?” I asked the gate agent, as I stood first in the first-class line, so I could be first in first class. I like to be first in first class, so I can sit first and watch all the white people watching me, the black man…
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Snoop Doesn't Love Kobe, He Just Hates Black Women
Unless you belong to an arbitrarily specific religion that prays exclusively to Gayle King and/or Oprah Winfrey, neither of those women are gods. Which means that neither is infallible. And if, for instance, you allowed Gayle to borrow your last $20 and she refuses to pay you back, or you invited Oprah to a game…
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10 Reasons Why Inviting White People to the Mythical 'Cookout' Is Stupid and Silly and Needs to Stop Forever
1. Because it’s stupid and silly. 2. Because you’re fucking goofy for thinking this is cool. 3. Because cookout meat is precious and sacred and not meant to be shared with interlopers, gentrifiers, and Travis Fucking Kelce. 4. Because the bar for what constitutes “cookout invites” is lower than Rush Limbaugh’s life expectancy. 5. Because…
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America's Got Ash: Where Does Terry Crews Fit On The Ash Spectrum?
1. Wait, there are levels of ash? Yup! 2. How many? Three have been discovered so far, but there might be as many as 16. 3. This is fascinating. I know, right? 4. Is Terry Crews ashy? Very! 5. Where does he fall on the ash spectrum? Watch and learn!
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Terry Crews Is Ashy
There are, according to my research, three grades of ash; each uncomfortable in its own way, but one a bit deeper and, um, ashier than the rest. First, of course, is literal ash. This is what happens when your skin gets dry and an anti-sheen attacks it, leaving you looking and feeling like you just…
