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Trump Wants Biden to Take Drug Test Before First Debate
I don’t think we ever discussed the similarities between President Trump and boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. Both men are at the top of their game: one a pugilist and the other a racist. Both men have trouble reading big words. Both men have more money than me, and both men have requested that their opponents…
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Day 3 of the How to Make White Friends and Ignore Black Death Conference, aka the Republican National Convention
The Republican National Convention dragged on into day three and pulled America into an alternate universe in which Chick-fil-A is open on Sunday, some 177,000 people have not died from COVID-19 and the world didn’t watch an unarmed Black man get shot seven times at point-blank range in front of his children. That can be…
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Politicos Want Biden Out of the Basement. Stay Your Ass Right There, Joe
Apparently some Democrats and Republicans have been making fun of Democratic presidential Joe Biden’s respect for the Chevy Tahoe of airborne diseases, COVID-19. There is a movement of folks who believe that with the election less than three months away, Biden should be traveling around the country and social distancing while air-kissing babies. “I think…
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Milwaukee Bucks Won't Let America Look Away, Refuse to Play Game 5 to Keep Focus on Police Shooting of Jacob Blake [Update: NBA Postpones Today's Playoff Games]
In what can only be called a monumental moment in sports history, the Milwaukee Bucks—the national basketball team that plays in the same state where Jacob Blake was shot some seven times by a police officer—are refusing to play Wednesday’s playoff game against the Orlando Magic. According to ESPN, the Milwaukee Bucks did not take…
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Satan’s Starting 5 Took the Stage for Day 2 of the Republican National Convention
Day 2 of Satan’s pep rally couldn’t even get started before it was bogged down in controversy. Turns out that one of President Trump’s supporters who was set to speak at racism’s national teleconference, commonly called the Republican National Convention, was axed from the starting lineup on Tuesday after she retweeted some anti-Semitic bullshit with…
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We’ve Got to Talk About This Jerry Falwell Jr. Cuckold Mess
The whole thing is too hot for TV-level messy. It’s Jerry Springer’s cameraman chasing the pool boy backstage messy.
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Was Donald Trump Jr. on Cocaine? And Other Questions From the First Day of the Republican National Convention
On Monday, Satan had his first Zoom call and the results were a baffling mess of mayonnaise-slathered fuckshit. Day one of the Republican National Convention was basically an all-you-can-eat buffet of clusterfuckness. I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s just start with cocaine, shall we? I’m no doctor, but I play one for The…
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Trump Might Not Know New York Attorney General Letitia James, But He’s Gonna Learn Tuhday
I keep trying to tell y’all this, and I feel like this is not getting to the people in the back, but New York Attorney General Letitia James did not come here to play with you and your little friends. She, of the James family, which includes such luminaries as: LeBron, Jesse, King, Etta, Rick,…
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Kellyanne Conway Is Leaving Trump Administration to Keep Daughter From Posting Family Business on Social Media
Look, The Root uses the same cutoff marker that amusement park rides use to determine who can get on this ride. We don’t fuck with kids unless they are Matt Gaetz’s adopted, but not really adopted, man-boy or Trump’s kids not named Barron. So we won’t be talking about Kellyanne and George Conway’s teenage daughter…
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Day 1 of Satan’s Workshop, aka the Republican National Convention: It’s All About the Trumps
I never thought this day would come. No, seriously, I just figured Trump would be so confident in Russia’s ability to steal a second election that he wouldn’t even bother with a convention, and yet, here we are. Satan’s workshop starts Monday, and there are so many things that must be addressed, but first I…