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Here’s What Trump’s Executive Order to End Family Separation at the Border Really Means
On Wednesday, President Donald Trump finally decided that he’d done enough damage in embarrassing America on a global stage and signed an executive order to end the separation of migrant children from their loved ones at the U.S. border. Didn’t matter that he could have done this weeks ago or that he never had to…
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Melania Trump Calls Secret Service on Peter Fonda After He Tweets That He Wants to Put Her Son in a Cage With Pedophiles: Report
No matter how sickening the White House may be—and trust me, I’m aware that it’s a putrid dumpster fire of chaos and hate—children are off-limits. On the eve of reports that President Donald Trump is finally going to end the practice of ripping away migrant children from their parents at the U.S. border, actor Peter…
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Trump Threw Starburst Candy Toward German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Told Her Not to Say He Never Gave Her Anything: Report
It’s widely known that President Donald Trump loves his Starburst. Sure, it’s been speculated (and by “speculated,” I mean that I believe) that Trump licks the orange Starbursts until they are soft and then rubs them on his skin to get the right complexion, which makes him look like the worn skin of a giraffe’s…
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DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen Shamed by Protesters at a Mexican Restaurant … A MEXICAN RESTAURANT!
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen thought that she was going to enjoy a fine working Mexican dinner of migrant baby hearts and mothers’ tears Tuesday night until protesters learned where she was. According to CNN, “Protesters from the Metro D.C. Democratic Socialists of America came into MXDC Cocina Mexicana, a popular restaurant near…
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An Exclusive Interview With the American Flag; You Know, the One the President Keeps Stroking
In what has arguably been one of Donald Trump’s weirdest (and whitest) moves, the president took the stage before the National Federation of Independent Business in Washington, D.C., made a speech, and once he was done bumping his gums, proceeded to hug the U.S. flag using the same hugging technique he reserves for his true…
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Jeff Sessions Explaining How the Trump Administration Is Not Like Nazi Germany Is Peak Dumpster Fire
For the Trump administration, the bottom appears to be nonexistent. On the same day that Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen gave an abhorrently insensitive defense of the Trump administration’s insistence on separating immigrant children from their loved ones at the U.S. border, U.S. Attorney General Jeff “King Keebler Klan” Sessions actually argued about…
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In 1 Press Conference, Kirstjen Nielsen Just Beat Out Sarah Sanders for Most Hated Person in Trump’s White House
President Mein Führer von SpankDat is excluded from the “most hated in the White House” game because he would win every time. Before Monday’s press conference with Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen on the youth internment camps—which used to be big-box department stores or warehouses before becoming makeshift youth prisons—Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka…
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GOP Senate Candidate Who Dressed as a Blackface ‘Rapper’ Issues Half-Assed Apology, Points Out His Black Friends
Hal Patton is the current mayor of Edwardsville, Ill. He’s also a GOP state Senate candidate, and he’s an asshole who either doesn’t understand why blackface is bad or doesn’t care. A Halloween photo of Patton dressed as a “rapper” is making the rounds. According to the Belleville News-Democrat, the photo was taken some 10…
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Ex-ESPN Reporter Ed Werder Cries the Whitest Male Tears Over Sports Illustrated Job Posting
Ex-ESPN reporter Ed Werder is a white man. As both a sports reporter and a white man, Werder, and all those like him, make up some 90 percent of sports journalism, so when Sports Illustrated tweeted out that they had a spot for an entry-level news writer position, SI senior writer Charlotte Wilder saw this…
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Washington State Football Coach Tweets Fake Obama Video and Then Proves His Ignorance by Arguing About It
Mike Leach is the head coach of the Washington State football team. He also proved himself to be a fucking idiot after he tweeted out an obviously fake, conspiracy theorist video of former President Barack Obama under the guise of civil conversation: According to SB Nation, the video was spliced together from a European Union…
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