America Predicts Six More Weeks of Whiteness (at Least)

Illustration for article titled America Predicts Six More Weeks of Whiteness (at Least)
Photo: Jeff Swensen (Getty Images)

Early Tuesday morning, a corpulent, fur-covered woodchuck waddled out of its rathole burrowed beneath the surface of facts, logic and common sense. As the blinding light of truth radiated on its dust-colored rodent skin, darkening the earth beneath the feckless furball, the assembled audience could see that this long, cold winter of America’s discontent would not come to a quick end.

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Groundhog Day? What’s Groundhog Day?

Come on, man. There’s no way anyone would even continue to perpetuate the myth that a squirrel with an eating disorder is more reliable than scientific data. You know there’s an entire field of science called meteorology where actual scientists look at satellite imagery, atmospheric conditions and hundreds of years of climate research to accurately predict the weather, right?

That would be as asinine as—let me see if I can come up with a good analogy.

OK, imagine, just for the sake of this argument (because again, we are not stupid) we were trying to predict how we could emerge from an economic cold spell. Not only does history inform us that an economic stimulus package could fix our financial woes, but actual economists like Nobel Prize winner Paul Krugman and a group that is literally called the Center for Economic and Policy Research tells us that the biggest misstep we could possibly make is passing a stimulus bill that was too small.

There’s no way Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. would be stupid enough to ignore history, math and economic science and, instead, compromise with the vacillating vermin known as Susan fucking Collins, as the Washington Post reports:

The GOP proposal jettisons certain elements that have drawn Republican opposition, such as increasing the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour.

It would also reduce the size of a new round of checks Biden wants to send to Americans, from $1,400 per individual to $1,000 — while significantly reducing the income limits that determine eligibility for the stimulus payments.

A $600 billion plan that is a fraction of the size of Biden’s proposal is unlikely to draw much if any Democratic support. However, the GOP offer presents a challenge for Biden, who campaigned on promises of bipartisanship and must decide whether to rebuff the overture or make a genuine effort to find common ground across the aisle.

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To do that would be as dumb as watching a weather report from a dimwitted woodchuck who would not chuck wood.

OK, perhaps that was too on-the-nose, so here’s another completely hypothetical scenario:

Imagine if you were in charge of prosecuting an attack on the country by a terrorist cell. But, in this rare case, you knew the person in charge of the terrorist cell. Imagine if you discovered that the people who funded the act of domestic terrorism were also responsible for perpetuating the lie that radicalized the domestic extremists. Just for shits and giggles, let’s say you worked with the people who instigated the attack.

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Would you let them sit on the jury?

That’s almost as idiotic as making a meteorologist out of a rat-rabbit.

Last one:

What if there was a cloud of white supremacy that hovered over America, raining violence, blood and racism for four hundred years? What if the precipitation from this cloud made it impossible for you to harvest that “liberty and justice” shit you hold so dearly? What if the cloud murdered your countrymen with terrorism or poverty or a global pandemic?

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Now, imagine if a group of experts laid out a plan for you to make the cloud go away. However, in this totally theoretical allegory, there were also people who told you that the cloud did not exist. Even though you could hear the raindrops of racism falling; you could see the white supremacist violence and you could feel the blood splatter in your face, what if they insisted that the cloud was all in your imagination?

What if you realized that all the cloud deniers were born with umbrellas?

The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. But after reading this analogy, I realized that the real idiots are the people who look at glorified hamsters and say “I bet he knows the weather. Punk-ass Tony Phil (or whatever the fuck they call him) isn’t stupid, he’s just doing what groundhogs do.

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America is stupid.

The groundhog is white people.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

DISCUSSION

agb5
moistened bint

Let’s not victim-blame the groundhog. He’s just a puppet in all this. It’s the white guys in old-timey clothes you have to watch out for.