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As someone whose job is writing about race, I often receive a broad spectrum of criticism from people aggrieved by my inherent bigotry. My inbox is constantly wet from the salty white tears of Mayo Americans upset about The Root’s anti-white agenda. Apparently, when I and other writers at The Root point out white supremacy, we are actually perpetuating racism by simply talking about it.

While this belief is commonly found among the contingent of butt-hurt white people, it is not limited to the unmelanated. I’ve learned that most people have no interest in dismantling white supremacy, homophobia, patriarchy or anything else. Most people don’t want equality; they are simply seeking their opportunity to play the oppressor.

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If I write about someone stealing from a cookie jar, I am simultaneously castigated as a cookie-thief apologist and an anti-cookie activist. When I explained why people still listen to Kanye West’s music, dance to R. Kelly’s remix to “Ignition” or think Donald Glover’s Atlanta is one of the best shows on TV, I was simultaneously contributing to the lynching of black men and stanning for problematic black men.

It comes with the job. In the course of the past week, I’ve been accused of promoting the gay agenda, intentionally ignoring homophobia, fueling the anti-black-male, black-feminist agenda and gaslighting black women, and I’ve had the Twitter police called on me for disparaging the entire white race.

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Although I am definitely not considered a moderate on most things, I find that when people on both sides of an issue attack an opinion, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Given the anonymity of social media and the internet, people often take the opportunity to lambast anyone who doesn’t agree with them.

I’m cool with that.

Second only to the contingent of Caucasian criers is the group of “male activists” who have unearthed The Root’s insipid agenda of destroying the strong black male. According to these fragile pseudo-intellectuals, the straight black male is being attacked through an organized effort of the white media, the gay agenda and the black feminist illuminati.

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But unlike black women, gay people, transgender people and even the salty, snowflakelike wypipo who criticize The Root, these so-called strong black men have leaped into action to confront the issue head-on by showing their mental and physical fortitude in the strongest way possible.

They created a Twitter hashtag.

This past weekend, a group of heroes united to form fuckboy Voltron on social media and created the hashtag #TheRootArticles to fight our agenda of destroying the straight black man.

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I’d like to say that upon discovering this hashtag, The Root’s staff was disappointed, ashamed or even angered, but we found it as hilarious as the anonymous emails we receive from dudes named Chad who take the time to point out our anti-white agenda that shills for Barack Obama, Black Lives Matter and black identity extremists.

According to these people, the white-owned staff of The Root is promoting an anti-black agenda that will ultimately decimate the black family by telling people they can love whomever they wish and advocating that people can do whatever the hell they want with their vaginas. Although every article we write is posted to social media, they say we promote the ones that are anti-male, and we even have enough power to suppress their clever hashtag, apparently.

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On behalf of everyone at The Root, I would like to apologize. We are truly sorry.

We are sorry that you are so fragile that you feel bullied by a few articles. I’m sorry that your tiny, inadequate penises egos are made flaccid by the idea that black women might possibly recognize your ain’t-shitness.

I’m sorry that you believe that the simple existence of anyone who isn’t straight and male might take your spot in the social hierarchy. I’m sorry that The Root’s invisible “gay agenda” threatens your sexuality. I’m sorry that your feeble idea of blackness and masculinity keeps you up at night in fear that you might wake up gay or white. I’m sorry that your opinion of black people is so low that you think a people who survived slavery, Jim Crow and the transatlantic slave trade could be destroyed by words on the internet.

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But most of all, I’m sorry that I laughed at you.

To be fair, I only laughed at how these feeble-minded Woke-teps will share the links to the white-owned media outlets who blatantly scour The Root’s site to see what black people are up to. But even though The Root employs a grand total of zero whites, and a white person has never told me what I should, could or couldn’t write, these supposedly pro-black warriors obviously think white people do it better.

They are willing to trust “mainstream” media sites with half The Root’s audience because these conscious charlatans automatically distrust anything written by black hands. Go look through the hashtags and see how many links to black media these butt-hurt warriors have shared on their white-owned Twitter profiles. I couldn’t find any, but I was probably laughing too hard.

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To be fair, I can’t honestly dispute the allegation that The Root is owned by white people—mostly because I don’t have a clue who makes up the consortium of investment firms that owns Univision. All I know is that the site was founded and run by black people since its inception.

The reason we find this hashtag so hilarious is that it sounds exactly like Tucker Carlson, the “It’s OK to Be White” movement, and the people who slam us for any article that neglects to mention black women, trans people, gay people or folks who actually like raisins in their potato salad.

Despite the fact that the men employed as staff writers at The Root are all straight black males, we are apparently guilty of furthering our own annihilation. If we end up destroying straight black men, then ultimately, we will end up destroying ourselves, too, which should make everyone happy.

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But until that day comes, to the strong black men who took to Twitter and whose cute little #YouToo movement is preventing the straight black male genocide, I assure you all that #TheRootArticles will be more careful in the future not to upset your brittle spirits. I never knew that black men could cry white tears.

I stand corrected.

But by all means, keep that hilarious hashtag going.

I’m cool with that.