I’m a glass-half-full kinda guy.
I do, however, realize that half the country is suffering through a case of the bubble guts, wondering if blowhard and self-affirmed big d—k Donald Trump will be their next president, while Confederate-flag-waving Caucasians, who long for Jim Crow and the days of cotton picking, are closing in on nirvana. Black people are particularly vexed—partly because of the xenophobic racism the Orange Julius Caesar has inspired, but mostly because they’re just waiting for Trump to say “n—ger.”
Have no fear. I assure you that everything will be just fine, even if the carrot-colored comb-over wins. Here are a few reasons a Trump presidency would be the greatest thing ever:
1. Black men will benefit from the new wall-building-based economy. Think about it: Who has been holding down the brick-mason industry since Reconstruction? Black uncles with thick mustaches, that’s who. Everyone’s daddy has that one brother with hands that feel like the bark of a maple tree, and a snot mop that looks as if he was a member of the Whispers. He also rides a Harley on the weekend that he paid for with that masonry money. Although bricklaying is only the third-most-popular form of masonry in the African-American community (the glass jars and Prince Hall still rank first and second), the profession is responsible for taking more men to the middle class than almost any other form of labor.
I know the popular opinion is that Trump won’t actually build a wall and Mexico definitely won’t pay for one, but I think he will eventually get our neighbors to the South to fork over the money for a brick border fence for an entirely different reason: to stem the influx of white people coming in to Mexico.
You know how white people flee a neighborhood before it goes completely bad? When Trump becomes chief executive, white people are going to relocate to where they always go when they smell trouble: someplace cheap, warm and filled with brown people. Take a look at Brooklyn, N.Y., and Miami. If Mexicans don’t want their pueblos and taquerias replaced with Starbucks and Sunglass Huts, you better call my uncle Jerome and have him start pouring mortar before the white flight begins.
2. There will be an advance in weave technology. There’s no way the Bankruptelstiltskin will make it through a full term without someone figuring out how his comb-over works. I believe that each hair is combed to an algorithm that precisely mimics the individual strands of air that form the jet stream. Whatever it may be, he will be exiting Air Force One when a propeller blows his hairdo out of place and reveals how he has made 17 strands of hair cover his entire head.
As soon as it happens, a woman named Katrese (you know everybody calls her “Kat Kat”) will replicate the technique in her beauty salon (Stylez 4U in the Magnolia Shopping Plaza), and the Remy No. 9 Donald Trump Weave Wrap will revitalize a hair industry that had been dwindling to nothing since natural hair became the trend.
3. The State of the Unions are going to be lit! If Trump becomes president, we could immediately erase the national debt by making the State of the Union pay-per-view, because everybody is going to watch that s—t. Even me. I’d pay premium prices to see Trump tell America how much bigger his penis is than Kim Jong Un’s. You won’t have to worry about nodding off because of boring policy details during a Trump presidential speech, because he doesn’t know any. He’ll just assure you that everything is going to be “great. Huuuge.”
And if some p—sy congressman (Trump’s words, not mine) tries to pull a Joe Wilson and scream, “You lie” during the SOTU, Trump won’t take it as lightly as Obama did. Toupee Shakur will go thug life and get the Secret Service to escort the offender out while peppering him or her with insults. That’s why you’ll pay the $49.95: to see the Donald call the esteemed senator from South Dakota a “f—k boy.”
4. Ted Cruz is going to cry. If you think the world will go crazy after Trump wins an election, watch what happens at Ted Cruz’s concession speech. Humanity will go apes—t when the salt in the Texas senator’s tears disintegrates his artificial human skin and reveals his true reptilian underlayer.
You know Cruz is not actually human, right?
5. White people will apologize. I believe that the entire Trump presidency began as a practical joke that got out of hand. Those white guys and their hilarious shenanigans …
Bruh, the motherf—ker from The Apprentice might be president. Y’all need to stop.
If it happens and it is the downfall of America, this one will be impossible to blame on black people. As a matter of fact, a Trump presidency would be entirely the fault of white people, and even though we don’t want him as our commander in chief, if it happens, we should remind them of that s—t every single day.
I’m serious. Every morning, I’ll greet Katie, the receptionist at my office, with, “Good morning, Katie! Did you sleep well last night knowing your people RUINED MY COUNTRY!?!”
And there’s no greater place in the world to be than surrounded by guilty white people. Even better than the mythical 72 virgins or the 50-yard line at the Super Bowl. You’ll get free lunch every day, which adds up to big savings over the course of four years. When people of no color feel guilty, they always spring for lunch, but do not let them off the hook that easy. Play the Trump card. (See what I did there?)
Rest assured that the Trump card would be far easier to play than the race card because we’d have something real and contemporary to point their white guilt toward. They wouldn’t be able to talk about how long ago slavery was and point out how racism was over after white extremists suckered us into swearing in a blustery Raggedy Andy doll with the IQ of a learning-disabled simian. Every conversation between people of opposite races would end with, “We’re sorry about the whole Donald Trump thing. We had no idea people would actually vote for him. Again, we apologize.”
Remember—never accept their apology. Just shake your head and mutter something about wanting your country back.
That’s right, make them cry.
That’s how we got rid of Ted Cruz.