Behold: White People

Illustration for article titled Behold: White People
Screenshot: Donovan Farley via Twitter
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A secret police force is roaming the streets of Portland, Ore., snatching up protesters and violating their civil rights. The New York Times obtained an internal memo from the Department of Homeland Security that stated the federal officers are “not specifically trained in riot control or mass demonstrations.” They have gassed and attacked peaceful protesters during the demonstrations sparked by the death of George Floyd, which engulfed the city for 52 straight days.


Luckily, white people have joined the fight against injustice and people are sharing it all over social media.

Wait... I don’t think that last one was a protest. Are we sure that wasn’t some type of performance art installation?

Learn the story behind the “iconic” photo of Bucknekkid Becky?

Nah, I think I’m good.

See, white people, this is your fault.

Look, white people, this comes with the territory. If a massive number of Black people show up at a protest, at least one person is gonna yell “fuck the police,” at least one enterprising young entrepreneur will be selling protest-themed T-shirts and a local spoken word artist will definitely hook up with a few rappers to have a spontaneous freestyle session.


If one negro rally-goer in a sea of peaceful protesters breaks a window, steals a television or throws a rock at a cop, the behavior is automatically attributed to the collective group of protesters. That’s why people show up on their lawns and point guns at Black demonstrators. It’s why Republicans cast Black Lives Matter as a “terrorist organization.” It’s why white people bring up Chicago and Black-on-Black crime whenever anyone mentions injustice. It’s why news networks hire white people to discuss voters but ask Black pundits to talk about “Black voters.”


But if every Black person has to answer for the shortcomings of every Black individual, then white people need to explain Ass-out Ashley because I gots nothing.

The Los Angeles Times attempted to explain how the woman’s outburst of caucasity was an attempt at “capturing the imagination” of people who wear flip-flops to church, writing:

Numerous photos and videos posted on Twitter show the unidentified woman as she halted in the middle of the street at about 1:45 a.m. She stood calmly, a surreal image of human vulnerability in the face of an overpowering force that has been criticized nationally by civil rights advocates.

The agents, in gas masks and helmets, continued firing pepper balls in a staccato “pop, pop, pop” heard on video, aiming low at the asphalt, where puffs of smoke mingled with clouds of gas. At one point, a fellow protester, clothed, carrying a homemade shield, darted in front of the woman, angling to protect her.

But the woman sidestepped him. He jumped out of the way, perhaps realizing that he made them both a target.

Before it was over, she struck ballet poses and reclined on the street. She also sat on the asphalt in a yoga-like position, facing officers, before they left.


I want to fight whoever wrote this.

First of all...why?

Secondly, why didn’t they point out that she was a white lady? Is there any doubt in your mind that had this been a Black woman (I know, but stick with me for a moment) that they would have mentioned it 217 times in the story? I don’t want to stereotype anyone but this is peak whiteness. And it’s nasty AF. My mother would have whipped my sisters’ asses if they did it because this woman clearly has no home training. Oh, my mom is pretty liberal so she might not have seen anything wrong with public nudity, but out there walking amongst white people in your bare feet? What in the walking-shoeless-at-Walmart was this clothes-less Karen thinking?


And thirdly...why?

I know I may have asked that question before, but the first one was a regular “why” and the other one was more pointed, as in: “Why are white people like this?” Although I don’t believe in the stupid “distraction” argument, why is some white person always showing up to inject their Caucasian sensibilities into every conversation?


There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what this lady did, but why does she feel the need to transform a protest movement centered around Black lives into a stage for her whatever-the-fuck-she-was-trying-to-say? Even when they aren’t weaponizing their privilege, they will find a way to make the shit about them.

And I’m not talking about all white people, I’m just talking about the antifa dudes who hold their Fight Club meetings at Black demonstrations and pretend they are doing us a favor. I’m talking about the performative liberals who make sure you know that they’re an ally even though they’re most interested in proving that they’re not like the “other” whites. I’m talking about the movement hijackers and subject deflectors.


OK, white people, I’ve been authorized to make you an offer:

The Black delegation is willing to reduce Black-on-Black violence by 8 percent; down to the same level as white-on-white crime, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics’ 2018 report. The 95 percent of Black people who don’t commit a crime in any given year will even join in the 97 percent of white people who didn’t commit a crime in any given year and put a stop to that small group of negro scofflaws. And, in exchange, we ask you to do one thing:

Stop it.

We’ll take responsibility for the tiny percentage of negro thugs who scare you shitless if you come get your people and make them denounce white supremacy, cop-calling, mask-raging and literally showing their minuscule asses at the protest.


It’s up to you, white people.

We’re ready when you are.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


$100 says she is an Instagram influencer.