Sentient Marshmallow Calls Police on Black Woman for Swimming in Her Own Pool

Illustration for article titled Sentient Marshmallow Calls Police on Black Woman for Swimming in Her Own Pool

A white man, upholding his civic duty to keep his community safe, summoned local police when a black woman threatened to use her neighborhood pool for the nefarious purpose of swimming.


Facebook user Jasmine Edwards posted a video to Facebook with the caption: “This is a classic case of racial profiling in my half a million $$ neighborhood pool. This happened to me and my baby today. What a shame!!”

In the longer Facebook video, a man, who obviously left his full-time job as the center of a S’more, can be seen siccing the police on Edwards, alleging that she needs identification to swim in the pool. Obviously upset that he couldn’t get into Wakanda, the shirtless, male-like Caucasian explains that he asks people for their IDs all the time, despite the fact that he has no authority other than his whiteness.

When Edwards tells the cops that she doesn’t have to show ID, Paul Blart Pool Cop points to a sign at the entrance to the pool. Police informed the man with the musculature of a cumulus cloud that Edwards only needs a pool entry card to get into the pool, which she states she has in her possession.

“Ok, let’s see if it works,” replies Bobby Dad-Bod.

A white woman just off camera can be heard saying: “I didn’t sign in” as the officer ignores the black woman and makes her prove to the overzealous mayonnaise dollop that her pool card works. Everyone should be happy, right?

Everyone except for me.

I’ve made an observation since this phenomenon has started trending. I have been trying to find out why white people believe the cops are their personal fugitive slave catchers. Are police supposed to be universal technical support for white people? Why are white people like this?


I have crunched the numbers, looked at research and done multiple statistical regression analyses. I finally broke the code. I figured out why white people can’t stop calling the police on black people:

It’s the sunglasses.

Illustration for article titled Sentient Marshmallow Calls Police on Black Woman for Swimming in Her Own Pool
Image: Michael Harriot (Jasmine Edwards, HipHop DX, Emen)

If you encounter a white person wearing wraparound sunglasses, just sit down and wait for the police, bruh, because you can bet they are on the way. Maybe it’s the way the tint polarizes the sun, allowing the infrared rays to hit the racism sector of their cerebral cortex.

The video ends with the lipless homo sapiens refusing to apologize, telling the cops that “it would have been nice to see an ID” and explaining that the pool cards “sometimes make their way around.”


But again, it’s not his fault. Blame the sunglasses.

If he took off the sunglasses, he’d still probably be a racist piece of shit. But then he’d have to squint and would be forced to call the police on the sun. And no one wants that.


That’s just science.

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Donna Meagle Graduates

I don’t understand how people keep doing this and not think about it might ruin their lives.

To that end: