white people white peopling
-
I Honestly Thought White People Were Better Than This
I had forgotten about the first time. I usually hear their dogs barking as I pass their house while walking my dog, a 165-pound Great Dane. On most days, at least one of the dogs exits the house through what I assume is a doggie door, walks into the fenced-in backyard and yaps at us…
-
Dear White People: Please Stop Doing Silly Racist Shit. Discovering New Things to Boycott Is Exhausting
As is the case with many people who work remotely, I spend a considerable amount of time in coffee shops and cafés. I am in one now, actually, and I am currently eating Brussels spouts because they’re healthy and tasty and because the managers at said shop are so impressed with my luscious beard that…
-
A List of Things I’d Rather See Taylor Swift Cover Than Earth, Wind & Fire’s ‘September’
1. An in-ground swimming pool with a weatherproof tarp. 2. Her mouth. 3. The ESPYs as a special correspondent for C-SPAN. 4. A chicken breast with a generous helping of Old Bay. 5. Her shoulders with a sweater if she was out somewhere and it got a bit colder than she expected it to be…
-
How to Make White People Uncomfortable
1. Be black. 2. Be not white. 3. Be not white and not American. 4. Tell the truth. 5. Cite facts. 6. Talk about the past. 7. Talk about the present day. 8. Talk about the future. 9. Say things like “Hi” and “Excuse me” and “Perhaps, if I were so inclined, I’d meet you…
-
20 Words and Phrases White People Just Ain’t Allowed to Say
We already know about nigga/nigger, but there are more! Really, no one—white, black, Kappa, etc.—should ever say “ghetto” again, ever. Nothing at all, now that you’ve said that. Is officially on the list because too many black people use “ninja” as a substitute for “nigga,” and all popular “nigga” substitutes are banned from white mouths.…
-
White Woman Sentenced to 3 Years in Prison for Racist Tirade Appears in Court With … Cornrows
I do not know Vicki Momberg, the South African woman sentenced to three years in prison after her racist tirade toward a black police officer, so I won’t pretend to know why she decided to appear in court Wednesday with fresh cornrows. But I’ve got theories and suspicions! So many theories and suspicions! While in…
-
Hair-Dryer-Roasted Chicken Wins the 2018 Award for the Whitest Thing on the Internet
In a ceremony televised on Fox News and the Food Network, the New Yorker’s “roving food correspondent” Helen Rosner was awarded the 2018 “I Was Told by AppleCare” prize for Unapologetic Whiteness. In a story titled, “Yes, I Use a Hair Dryer to Make Roast Chicken” (which insinuates that at least one person asked her,…
-
The ‘Dread Train,’ Where (White) People Tie Their Dreadlocks Together, Is More Proof That White People Must Be Stopped
If you’re as big a fan of True Romance as I am—and consider it, as I do, the quintessential Tony Scott film—perhaps you’ve imagined how it would look if Drexl (the dreadlocked pimp played by Gary Oldman) and Floyd (the perpetually stoned roommate played by Brad Pitt) decided to clone themselves a dozen times, and…
-
If I Wanted to See 2 70-Year-Old White Men Fight, I’d Go to Cracker Barrel This Weekend
I know, I know, I know, I know. Joe Biden is everyone’s cool and tough septuagenarian home slice. And while I’m not in the business of granting white people invites to the mythical and now waaaaaaay overcrowded cookout, I know “Uncle Joe” is on a lot of people’s invitee lists. (Also, if he is invited…
-
Illinois Gov. Bruce Rauner’s Drinking Chocolate Milk for ‘Diversity’ Is the Whitest Thing That Ever Happened This Week
The pervasive mindlessness of white people—a dynamic stemming from the perpetual withdrawing from humanity required to keep whiteness erect—is something we’re reminded of and endangered by every day. Sometimes, as with the reactions from the White House and its minions to the shooting in Parkland, Fla., it manifests as a craven cowardice where you sincerely…