theory & essay
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Walking 21 Miles To Work Is A Human Triumph. And A Fucking Tragedy.
Unless he wishes to, James Robertson will likely never have to make the 21 mile walk to and from work again. Since his story went national, he’s received hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations — over $200,000 from a GoFundMe page created for him alone — and at least one dealership offered him a…
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How Not To Let Valentine's Day Ruin Your Valentine's Day
Did you know that, along with being Valentine’s Day, more people contract chlamydia on February 14th than any other day of the year? Of course you didn’t know that. Because I’m making it up. I have no idea if this is true. But that doesn’t matter. (Well, chlamydia matters. But the specific day you contracted chlamydia doesn’t…
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The Real Life Equivalent To How Seattle Lost The Super Bowl
You’re consistently unlucky with love. You’ve never had a girlfriend, and the last date you were on was when you went to the grocery store to buy a bag of dates, and you accidentally sat on the bag while driving back home. You are lonely. Desolate. You’re a tumbleweed on a windless day. A candle…
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Dear Black People: Black History Month Is No Excuse To Make Shit Up
I’m Black. Black Black. Emergency bonnet in the car Black. So Black that everyone on “Light Girls” thinks I want to stab them. And I’m here to talk to you about Black History Month. Or, more specifically, a few incarnations of Black history celebrators you may or may not encounter over the next 28 days.…
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When White Liberals Attack
Doing things The Right Way — when your actions are closely aligned with what would be considered the most moral way to act — is (obviously) the right way to do things. It is often very difficult; and, in the moment, The Right Way is also often unpopular. In this context, human nature is a saboteur.…
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On Life As A Black Person Who Doesn't Really Like Chicken All That Much
I don’t know where to begin. And, since I don’t know where to begin, I’ll begin from the beginning — the first time I realized I don’t really like chicken all that much. It was a little over a year ago. I was at the Cheesecake Factory, set to order the shrimp and bacon club.…
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These Are The Tales, The PJ Tales, Part V
Now, let’s be clear. Going out of town to see somebody that you don’t remember but have had some great conversations with will go one of two ways: 1) you all will have the same amazing chemistry in person that you have over the phone (I’ve been on that yacht before); or 2) it gets…
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Yup, I Said It: Red Velvet (Everything) Is Overrated
I don’t remember exactly where I was or when it was the first time I tried red velvet cake. If it was like any other of my notable firsts, it likely occurred in a Delta’s living room while debating whether the cocker spaniel Noreaga referenced at the beginning of “Superthug” was male or female. But, I don’t remember, so…
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These Are The Tales, The PJ Tales, Part IV
Did I ever tell you about the one time I went to Rochester, NY? I probably didn’t. I’ve been to Rochester, NY, one time in my life. And because I am both genius and legend, I went in February, in the dead of cold in 2004. It was so cold when I landed in the…