Donald Trump
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Either Trump’s Daddy Helped Him Dodge Draft or ‘Bone Spurs’ Is the Medical Diagnosis for Cowardice: Report
It is well-known that Donald Trump suffers from the debilitating disease bitchniccaitis, which prevents him from performing presidential duties such as firing his staff in person or standing up to Vladimir Putin. Because of his illness, it took him nearly two years to visit U.S. soldiers in a war zone, and a recent flare-up of…
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James Mattis Wrote a Resignation Letter That Is an Incredibly Subtle and Shady Read on Donald Trump
On Thursday afternoon, your “president” got on Twitter to announce that Secretary of Defense James Mattis would be “retiring” at the end of February. “General Jim Mattis will be retiring, with distinction, at the end of February, after having served my Administration as Secretary of Defense for the past two years. During Jim’s tenure, tremendous…
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First Step Is One of the Biggest Criminal Justice Reforms in Decades. But How Great Will Its Effect Be?
On Tuesday night, a Republican-dominated Senate passed First Step, paving the way for the criminal justice reform bill to clear the House and be signed into law by Donald Trump. The bipartisan bill, which was overwhelmingly passed in an 87-12 vote, is widely considered to the most substantial legislation affecting the federal prison system in…
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The Strange Story of Trump's Sham Foundation and a Signed Tim Tebow Helmet, Explained
President Trump is closing his personal money-laundering operation charity that used donations as if they were the president’s personal money while doing little if anything to actually help anyone other than the president. What’s baffling is that in 2016, shortly before Russia would hand Big Kompromat the election, Trump claimed that he was going to…
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Judge in Michael Flynn's Hearing Reads Him for Filth But Postpones His Sentencing So He Can Keep Snitching
In a federal district court in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday, retired three-star general Michael Flynn stood in front of Judge Emmet G. Sullivan and prepared to face the music for his crimes. The New York Times reports that Judge Sullivan said he was not hiding his “disgust” for what Flynn had done, and he called…
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Statue of Liberty Protester Found Guilty on All Charges, Stands Strong: ‘I Am on the Right Side of History’
Therese “Patricia” Okoumou, the New Yorker who protested U.S. immigration policy on July 4 by climbing the Statue of Liberty, faces up to 18 months in federal prison after being found guilty on all three misdemeanor charges brought against her. Okoumou was found guilty of trespassing, interference with government agency functions, and disorderly conduct on…
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Your President Is a Dullard Who Confuses Homophones
As a self-professed word nerd, one of my biggest pet peeves is confused homophones. There’s nothing like seeing a great meme on Facebook or Twitter and being unwilling to share it because the person put “there” when they meant “their” or “your” when they meant “you’re” or “hear” when they meant “here” or some such…
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Trump’s Explanation for How Mexico Will Pay for Border Wall Is So Stupid Even Republicans Can’t Explain It
I don’t find Donald Trump’s boasts about graduating from the famed Wharton business school troubling. Even though he doesn’t have an MBA or a degree in business (he transferred to Wharton and only earned a bachelor’s in economics), as a fellow Ivy League graduate, I sympathize with him (during grad school, I had professors named…
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Michael Cohen Said Trump Made Him Break the Law. Trump Tweets Cohen Should Have Known Better
The president of people who buy gas-station hot dogs has awakened from his slumber, taken his morning bath in a mixture of antifreeze and peach Faygo, and started his daily tweeting regimen by explaining how he shouldn’t be held responsible for Michael Cohen’s illegal acts just because he may have told Cohen to break the…
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The Dumbass President Really Thought Actor Christian Bale Was Bruce Wayne
When actor Christian Bale met Donald Trump, he couldn’t understand why he kept talking about how much they are alike, considering they’d both lost their parents and here he was living in Trump Tower and Bale was residing in Wayne Manor. Trump told Bale of his days as a single millionaire philanthropist but it wasn’t…