Sports
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Republicans Rejoice As NBA TV Ratings Swirl Around the Toilet Bowl, but All Is Not As It Seems
The NBA is a business. So after getting derailed by a global pandemic and pouring over $150 million into an NBA bubble to resume the season—all while hemorrhaging money from lost ticket sales, concessions and other lucrative sources of income—the absolute last thing NBA commissioner Adam Silver expected was shitty TV ratings. And calling the…
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Shaq Wants 1st Time Voters to Know They Aren't Alone With Shocking Reveal: 'I Have a Confession'
First-time voters, you’re not alone. While Republicans would love nothing more than for you to stay your ass home on Election Day, there are plenty of you who will be casting a ballot for the very first time. And to the surprise of many—myself included—among that number is NBA legend-turned-serial pitchman, Shaquille O’Neal. On the…
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Tennessee Titans Face 'Significant Punishment' for Violating COVID-19 Protocols by Holding Secret Practice
What in the hell is going on with the Tennessee Titans? When last we left them, a grand total of 22 players and staff members had tested positive for the coronavirus since September 24. But since Donald Trump continues to apparently meander around their facilities without a mask, that number continues to defy logic and…
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WNBA Star Jewell Loyd Delivers Moving Tribute to Kobe, Gianna Bryant Following Seattle Storm's WNBA Title: 'It's Special'
For those of you who are stabbing your LeBron James voodoo dolls with a fork while trying your damndest to will the Miami Heat to their fourth NBA championship in franchise history, you’re watching the wrong series. Because last night, the Seattle Storm beat the Heat to the punch and collected their fourth championship trophy…
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Cam Newton Delivers Words of Wisdom After Stephon Gilmore, More NFL Players Test Positive for Coronavirus: 'Wear Your Mask'
On the same day we learned that All-Pro cornerback Stephon Gilmore tested positive for the coronavirus—the third Patriots player to do so—comes the news that two more Tennessee Titans players have tested positive too, bringing the team’s grand total to an inexplicable 22 players and staff members since September 24. ESPN reports that after the…
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NFL Will Implement Video Monitoring to Ensure Coaches and Players Are Following Coronavirus Protocols
After two games were postponed as a result of players contracting COVID-19, the NFL has announced new protocols to combat the spread of the virus. According to CNN, one of those new protocols is the implementation of a video monitoring system in training facilities. The league explained that the video monitoring system is to ensure…
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LeBron Reveals the Secret Ingredient to the Lakers' Success—and May Have Clapped Black at Kyrie Irving in the Process
LeBron James is only three wins away from his fourth NBA championship. And at nearly 36-years-old, he’s far too successful and experienced with media manipulation to entertain nonsense. This is a valuable lesson that Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva, a professional hypocrite, learned when he came for King James in Septemeber and got his…
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NFL Expands COVID-19 Protocols After 2 More Players Test Positive for Coronavirus
As the NFL attempts to curtail its first coronavirus outbreak, it has expanded the COVID-19 protocols it already had in place. ESPN reports that two more Tenessee Titans players have tested positive for the coronavirus, bringing their team total to a combined 13 players and team personnel who have tested positive this week. In response…
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Doc Rivers Escapes One Catastrophe to Redeem Another In the 76ers
Depending on who you ask, the 76ers head coaching gig is either a blessing or a curse. Yes, they have two transcendent talents in blossoming superstars Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons, but their chemistry—or lack thereof—makes Donald Trump and Joe Biden look like childhood friends. They’re also hamstrung by a deeply flawed roster, a salary…
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Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson Reveals When XFL Will Make Its 'Electrifying' Return
For those dying for an alternative to the NFL, I regret to inform you that it’s gonna be a minute until you get your long overdue fix. On Thursday, the XFL’s newly minted co-owner, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, revealed exactly when we can all expect his embattled league to return to the field. “XFL returns…