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The Seven Kingdoms News Roundup: May 13, 2019
NATIONAL NEWS Travel Ban, Border Wall Fails to Stop Terrorist Attack by Immigrants Thousands are dead and many more are reported missing after a deadly dragon attack left King’s Landing defenseless despite the Lannister administration’s travel ban against Targaryens, a billion-dollar border wall and Cersei Lannister’s insistence on sending troops to the border after rumors…
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Natasha the Snitch: Black Twitter Savages DC Metro Tattletale
Early Friday morning, a brave citizen named Natasha Tynes boarded the Washington, D.C., Metro with her pockets and soul apparently overflowing with an abundance of fucks that she intended on disbursing throughout the day. Upon boarding, our brave Natasha spotted a black woman dressed in a Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority uniform, sitting alone, eating,…
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The Root’s Clapback Mailbag: The Unusual Suspects
The biggest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing white people they weren’t racist. His second biggest was to convince them to send emails, tweets, DMs and comments to The Root. Who are these people? Some say it’s angry wypipo. Others say it’s racist dummies. But to hear them tell it, they’re rational-thinking, concerned Americans…
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Pardon Me While I Clap Back at the Wall Street Journal’s Bullshit
If, perchance, one day, a team of white supremacist elves (although that description may be redundant because I believe all elves are racist, including Santa’s, Keebler’s, Jeff Sessions, and even Kevin Hart) invaded the Wall Street Journal’s newsroom and—instead of printing the evening edition—ran 54 pages in 10-point Times New Roman font just repeating the word…
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SC Sheriff Indicted for Destroying Phone, Creating Fake Charges and Arresting Man Who Recorded Cops
A federal grand jury has indicted a South Carolina sheriff and two deputies after federal investigators determined that the law enforcement officers arrested a man, created a fake police report, destroyed the arrestee’s cell phone, held the victim in jail on false charges and blamed it all on another cop, all because they were upset…
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Steve Harvey Is Stupid
Some people know things. Many people, however, are able to eke out a more-than-modest living by convincing people that they know things. They aren’t blessed with the gift of knowledge as much as they are blessed with the gift of charismatic sophistry. Politicians call it “spin.” Poets describe it as “silver-tongued.” Niggas who smoke Newports…
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Measles, Racism and How America Ignores Deadly Viruses
As America struggles to overcome the re-emergence of disturbing trends like Nazis, Watergate-style presidential scandals and—worst of all—fanny packs, white people have once again proven their resurrection powers by bringing back something even the most cynical among us could never have imagined. The measles. According to the CDC, the 764 confirmed cases of measles between…
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White Assistant Principal Admits to Saying the N-Word to a Black Student but Not In a Bad Way
A Texas high school assistant principal is disputing claims that he told a student to “turn off that nigger music,” insisting instead that he used the offensive racial slur in a different way than the students have alleged. The Denton Record-Chronicle reports that a high school in Denton, Texas, is conducting an investigation into comments…
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Ga. Mayor Says City is 'Not Ready' for Black Employee. Councilman Agrees, Citing Jesus' Stance Against Race-Mixing
The mayor of a nearly all-white Georgia town has come under fire after allegedly acknowledging that she disqualified a candidate for employment because of his race. Meanwhile, her fellow city councilman excused her actions, explaining that interracial relationships are against his religion. The small town of Hoschton, Ga., is 84.6 percent white and only 3.5…
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A Game of Thrones Recap From the Westeros Barbershop
Unfortunately, The Root’s regular Game of Thrones reviewer has the day off. The following recap of Sunday’s episode is transcribed from Calvin Patterson, the head barber at Valyrian Cutz, a barbershop located in South Central Westeros. What’s up, bruh? I know y’all heard they killed that black girl down in King’s Landing yesterday. I’ve seen…
