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An Open Letter to the Bahamas from America’s ‘Very Bad’ Gangsters and Drug Dealers
Dearest Bahamians, First, as the official spokesperson representing the Greater Association of Ne’er-do-wells, Goons, Shitbags and Thieves of America (GANGSTA), a consortium of America’s worst crooks, I would like to offer my condolences and best wishes on your recovery from Hurricane Dorian. We pray that the people of the Bahamas make a swift recovery from…
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Trump Administration Officials Arrested for Scamming Puerto Rico Out of $1.8 Billion in Hurricane Relief Funds
Remember when Trump blasted Puerto Rico’s government for their corruption and thievery, explaining that he was the best thing that ever happened to that foreign country whose president’s name he couldn’t quite remember? Well, it turned out, it was his own people who were actually doing the scamming. A federal grand jury indicted two former…
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Kamala Harris Releases Criminal Justice Reform Plan to Address Police Brutality, Mass Incarceration, the Drug War
Kamala Harris has a lot of plans. Every other week the California senator introduces a proposal that would end climate change (with a trillion dollars,) create Medicare-for-all (without pushing out private insurers) and fund black businesses (while ensuring that the local Jamaican restaurant never runs out of oxtails). And on Monday, the Democratic presidential hopeful…
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Alabama Dean Quits Because White People Can’t Handle the Truth
A University of Roll Tide dean at the center of a controversy over a series of stunningly accurate tweets chose to resign from his position rather than succumb to the horrific fate of drowning in a sea of salty, pork rind-flavored hillbilly tears. On Thursday, Jamie R. Riley, the University of Alabama’s assistant vice president…
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The Root’s Clapback Mailbag: Repast for Racism
Dearly beloved, We are gathered here this Friday to celebrate the life and death of this curious little thing called racism. When I sort through the reader responses each week to find the best emails, tweets, comments, and DMs for the Clapback Mailbag, invariably, there are always a few people who believe the same thing:…
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Congressman Opposes Background Checks Because, What if His Friends Want to Borrow His Gun?
Instead of using logic, reason or his sworn duty to protect his constituents from being shot in the Doritos section of their local Walmart, a U.S. Congressman came up with a particularly personal reason for opposing universal background checks on firearm purchases: Apparently, people borrow guns from their friends and neighbors. On Wednesday, Rep. Dan…
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Exclusive: Martin Luther King Jr. Talks Reparations, White Economic Anxiety and Guaranteed Income in Previously Unheard Speech
A newly uncovered speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered in 1967 sounds curiously like the civil rights icon is speaking about current-day conditions as he preaches about underfunded schools, the wage gap, white backlash against black progress and the country’s need to address poverty. On July 30, 1967, less than a year before…
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Who Is Responsible for Donald Trump’s Hurricane Coloring Book? An Investigation
One of the consequences of electing a deceitful, dimwitted white supremacist to serve at the helm of a deceitful, dimwitted, white supremacist country, is that it sometimes becomes difficult to ascertain why certain things happen. Is Donald Trump spending billions of dollars on a wall because he’s so racist that he thinks those who wish…
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Isaiah Washington Leaves the Democratic Party. No One Cares
Noted thespian, Obama critic and advocate for deregulating murder, Isaiah Washington sent progressive political supporters into a state of not-giving-a-fuck today when he told a Fox News wrestler that he was leaving the Democratic Party. On Wednesday’s episode of Nuff Said, which airs on Fox News’ online version of the ghetto, Fox Nation, the fourth most-famous…
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Maybe America Can Solve Its Gun Problem by Using Our Most Abundant Natural Resource—Racism
There is no government. According to the heralded founding fathers who brainstormed and borrowed ideas to create the framework of America, the Constitution was written to “insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.” Before they even laid out the…
