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To Trayvon, on Your 25th Birthday
Dear Trayvon, Today would have been your 25th birthday and, as I write this letter, I am listening to Aretha Franklin sing “Never Grow Old.” If I was predisposed to a belief in an eternal paradise, I would imagine that Queen Aretha hummed this hymn when she spotted you at her welcoming ceremony. Perhaps she…
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Books in Blackface: Barnes & Noble Celebrates Black History Month by Showcasing White Books
I always knew Mrs. Bookman was wrong. Mrs. Bookman talked in low but energetic whispers, smelled like a pocketful of nickels and I assumed—because she was the town librarian—that she had read every book in the Hartsville Public Library. I adored Mrs. Bookman. (Looking back, I honestly think she used a pseudonym. Then again, if…
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Black History Month Is for White People
I don’t know a lot about white history. I also don’t know much about green bean casserole, Creedence Clearwater Revival or shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one. I am, however, familiar with seasoned salt, the nuances of Blue Magic vs. Dax vs. Pink Oil Lotion, and the musical stylings of Frankie Beverly and Maze. And, unlike many of my educated…
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Police Obtain Warrant for Ancestry.com DNA Database
A Pennsylvania court gave law enforcement officers access to the world’s largest DNA database in the world. We don’t really know when this happened or why the cops wanted the data. Ancestry.com, however, refused to comply with the warrant and the issue hasn’t really been settled so…I’m sure everything will work out. Every year, the…
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The Democratic Candidates, Ranked by Cookoutworthiness
White people are going to vote for Donald Trump. That statement is a fact. According to the Roper Center, the Republican presidential nominee has won the white vote in every election in the last four decades. Even the white progressives who are currently bristling at the inhumanity of Trump cannot deny this statistical truth. To…
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PETA’s #PetLivesMatter Super Bowl Ad Is so White, Even the NFL Is Like: ‘Come On, Son!’
I changed my mind. White people are better. If you, like me, resisted the idea of white supremacy, there is now indisputable scientific proof of Caucasian exceptionalism. While white people have long lagged behind the world in the areas of potato salad-making, on-beat clapping and dispensing equality, the marketing team at the People for the…
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#NotExistingWhileBlack: The Alarming Trend of White People Calling the Cops on Black People Who Don’t Exist
Jussie Smollett was a trailblazer. While most people consider Smollett’s alleged harebrained hate crime hoax a crime against the good, white taxpayers of Chicago, he should actually be applauded for breaking into a lucrative industry that is dominated by Caucasian competitors. Aided by the trusty injustice exposure tool called Google Alerts (wielded correctly, it can…
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Clapback Mailbag: The Lion's Solution
We interrupt our usual clapback session for a very special Mailbag. I am often asked why my writings don’t contain more solutions. Instead of complaining about racism, I guess I’m supposed to fix white people. It’s like robbing someone and then telling them to stop complaining about their money problems and work harder. But I’m…
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Family Asks FBI to Investigate Mysterious Death of Black Teen as a Hate Crime
Black people are paranoid. They are susceptible to conspiracy theories and unfounded suspicions. There are some black people who believe that the U.S. government would spray black neighborhoods with toxic chemicals; that doctors would use us as guinea pigs by giving us fake medicine; that there are cops who belong to the Ku Klux Klan;…
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High School Student Expelled for Smelling Like Weed Despite 2 Negative Test Results
A black student was suspended and later expelled from an Ohio high school—not for possessing or using marijuana—but after multiple school employees agreed that he smelled like the substance. While the student’s parent has questioned the legal or ethical basis for the suspension, one moderately experienced writer whose name rhymes with “Michael Harriot” posited a…
