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For Black People, Donald Trump Is America
As Donald Trump inches closer to the Oval Office, half of America seems to be coming down with a collective case of the bubble guts at the prospect of having to endure four years of an apricot-colored buffoon in chief. One of the biggest mysteries in the minds of the global coalition of handwringers (known…
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A Complete Breakdown of White People's Fears
There is a contingent of alt-right trolls who patrol the internet, radio shows and public conversations to quickly dismiss any real-world discussion about police brutality, state violence or how society devalues the bodies of black people. Their argument is always the same: Black people commit a disproportionate amount of violence; therefore, black people make up…
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If America Treated Racism the Way It Treats Terrorism
As soon as America caught wind of the makeshift bombs that exploded in New York, New Jersey and Minnesota this weekend, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio quickly assembled the media and held a press conference, pleading for calm while authorities investigated the incidents. Along with the usual fear and outrage came calls from…
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Maybe There Are No Good Cops?
In the wake of the police-shooting deaths of Terence Crutcher, Tyre King, Keith Lamont Scott and (insert the name of the next victim here), there will undoubtedly be quickly assembled news panels with ex-cops and former police officials regurgitating the same stale arguments. As they bombard media outlets with the usual litany of excuses meant…
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Racism Explained to ‘New Blacks’ Like They're 5 Years Old
It seems as if every other week, another black celebrity sits down in front of cameras, microphones and a cunning white interviewer with a disarming smile and nefarious means, and tries to explain to the world the delusion that he or she is living in a post-racial America where inequality and prejudice no longer exist.…
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White Advice for Black Protesters
Hello, angry black people! We, the members of the white delegation, have recently noticed an undercurrent of restlessness among the Negro population. As part of those outreach efforts, I have been dispatched here to teach the proper way to voice displeasure about the state of race relations in America before this discontent grows into a…
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The Half-Woke CliffsNotes to Homophobia and Misogyny
I never used CliffsNotes. Not because I believed in some uncompromising code of ethics that made me reject shortcuts in favor of hard work and discipline. My mother just wouldn’t let me use them. When I was a rising 10th-grader, I tried to get her to purchase a copy of the CliffsNotes for Albert Camus’…
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White America’s Definitive Code of Conduct for Black Athletes
Recently, black athletes have faced an enormous amount of scrutiny for their untoward behavior. They have continually sullied the regard and expectations of the virtuous masses of the noble, patriotic public by showing contempt for the spectators, fans and America itself. As such, we have assembled one of the whitest teams since (insert hockey team…
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The School for Magical Negroes
Hello, people of color! Are you tired of bearing the burden of walking around as the scary, dark-skinned demon who makes white women clutch their purses in Wal-Mart parking lots and clinch their anuses in elevators? Have you grown weary of candidates for president painting you as a Muslim bogeyman who needs to be expelled…
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White Lives Matter and the Lost Art of Shutting the F Up
I consider myself a practitioner of a dying art form that is slowly disappearing from society. Long before it was an internet acronym or a text message abbreviation, this unique skill was passed down to me as a man who was raised by a single mother in a house with three other sisters. I honestly…
