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Crazy White-People News: A Roundup
Before we begin, we want to make it clear that the enclosed references to “white people” do not literally mean all white people. While I’m sure you are aware that humor is built on the generalization of truths, and intelligent people know that nothing in the universe is 100 percent, there is a distinct subset…
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Cardi B Explains Her NYPD Choke Hold Allegation With the Most Beautiful, Ghetto-Fabulous Story of All Time
The national treasure of beauty and philosophical guru-level, wisdom-filled ghetto-fabulousness known as Cardi B recently revealed how she was reportedly put in a choke hold by a New York City police officer in one of the greatest, most hood-tastic stories ever told. Black America’s crazy cousin from the Bronx tweeted a story last week (now…
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FBI to Senate: We’re Investigating 1,000 White Supremacists. Senate to FBI: That’s All?
In a Senate committee briefing yesterday, the new FBI director told lawmakers that the FBI has about 1,000 open cases involving domestic terrorism, a catchall phrase used by the bureau that includes white supremacist organizations and right-wing terrorists. According to The Hill, Christopher Wray, in his first Senate briefing since becoming the director of the…
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An Apology to Ray Lewis, Who Says He Was Praying, Not Protesting
Dearest Ray, I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you are a busy man, so I pray that I haven’t interrupted you midshuck or disturbed your daily regimen of rigorous jiving with this letter. On Sunday, seconds after someone sent me a photo of you bent prostrate during the playing of the…
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Patriotism Is for Black People
We have all stood in the grocery store and watched a kid (usually white) scream at his or her mother in a volume and tone that defies our mama’s mantra of “When we go in this store, you bet’ not say nothing, touch nothing or want nothing.” Alternately, we’ve all heard a mother (usually black)…
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The Myth of the ‘Angry Black Woman’ and Advertising’s Fight to End It
When Jemele Hill’s Trump tweets reflected the concerns of millions of Americans, including her white male colleagues, she was condemned because, well, “You know how they can be.” When Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) echoed the sentiments of her fellow lawmakers (both Democrat and Republican), Bill O’Reilly said, “I didn’t hear a word she said.” The…
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#VeteransForKaepernick Goes Viral as Military Vets Support the Right to ‘Take a Knee’
Not just anyone can become a West Point graduate. To even be admitted into the U.S. Military Academy is such a high honor. One cannot simply send in an application; you must be nominated by a member of Congress to even apply for admission. Then you must have a handwritten letter from Jesus, complete 200…
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Sponsors Are Dropping NFL Players for Protesting. This Is What We Mean When We Say ‘White Supremacy’
I want to show you something. It is the first message I received Monday morning after the NFL protests over the weekend. A Denver car dealership announced that it will “evaluate” Denver Broncos star Von Miller to decide whether it wants to continue its endorsement deal with the All-Pro linebacker. Last year, Broncos linebacker Brandon…
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B.o.B. Launches GoFundMe to Prove the Earth Is Flat
After taking a long hiatus from arguing with people who know what the hell they’re talking about, rapper B.o.B. has stepped back into the field of interplanetary astrophysics to raise money and prove, once and for all, that we live on a really big Frisbee. The rapper, whose hits include “Airplanes” and … umm ……
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Dale Earnhardt Jr. Earns Provisional Invitation to the Cookout
A few years ago I bought a house in Darlington, S.C., a town so small that there was nothing there but a gas station, a McDonald’s, a Huddle House (a bootleg, better-tasting Waffle House—fight me) and the Darlington Raceway, a 58,000-seat NASCAR track. I was shocked to see people the same color as me wearing…
