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The Finessing of Howard University
If you are black, you likely know what it means to “finesse” something: Finesse (verb): To acquire smoothly and without force. The art of persuasion or trickery, in which an individual is able to get something he or she wants with cunning and prowess. If you are black, it is also statistically unlikely that you…
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Hair-Dryer-Roasted Chicken Wins the 2018 Award for the Whitest Thing on the Internet
In a ceremony televised on Fox News and the Food Network, the New Yorker’s “roving food correspondent” Helen Rosner was awarded the 2018 “I Was Told by AppleCare” prize for Unapologetic Whiteness. In a story titled, “Yes, I Use a Hair Dryer to Make Roast Chicken” (which insinuates that at least one person asked her,…
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The Definitive List of People Who May Have Bitten Beyoncé
Earlier this week, after reading Tiffany Haddish’s story about someone biting Beyoncé at an after-party, The Root gathered its NCIS (Niggas [Who] Can Investigate Shit) team together to determine who was the vampire who bit Queen Bey’s face. After a lengthy discussion, two fistfights and hours staring at one of those huge maps with thumbtacks,…
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DMX Plans to Get Out of Jail by Playing His Songs in Court
Look, I’m not one to question anyone’s credentials, but when I heard the cockamamy scheme that attorneys for DMX have planned—to play his music at a Thursday sentencing hearing—the first thing I thought was, “Welp, someone has finally made him lose his mind, up in here, up in here … ” That’s not a joke.…
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Remember the Resource Officer Who Shot the School Shooter in Maryland? It Never Happened
Donald Trump, the National Rifle Association and people who believe in the magical fairy tale of armed school employees preventing school shootings were all forced to eat their words with a supersized cup of “shut the fuck up” Monday, when authorities investigating the case of the Maryland school shooter who was stopped by a “good…
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Who Hacked the ATL? Hijackers Are Holding Atlanta for Ransom and Time Is Running Out
For the past five days, a mysterious group has been holding the city of Atlanta for ransom as federal authorities fight a computer attack that has crippled the city. Federal, local and state authorities are frantically trying to find a solution. More important, in the spirit of transparency, the city unwittingly committed a tactical blunder…
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The Visitor’s Guide to Cookouts in Wakanda
Hello, and welcome to Wakanda! After noticing an increase in tourist visa applications and bookings at the newly renovated Downtown M’Arriott Garden Inn, the staff at the Wakanda Bureau of Tourism would like to offer some advice to first-time visitors to our great empire. Our temperate climate and the success of the documentary Black Panther…
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America’s Oldest Gun-Maker Goes Bankrupt Because No One Needs Guns Now That Obama’s Gone
After more than two centuries of providing America with classics like the AR-15-style assault weapon used to mow down 20 first-graders at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Conn.; the pump-action shotgun used to kill 12 people in an Aurora, Colo., movie theater; and the .223 semi-automatic rifle used to kill 14 people in San Bernardino,…
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Video Shows Cop Killing Decynthia Clements After Discussing How Not to Kill Decynthia Clements
Even though she was brandishing a steak knife, when Decynthia Clements emerged from her SUV and walked toward Elgin, Ill., law enforcement officers, it seemed as if the cops had everything under control. Clements’ truck was immobilized and surrounded by at least seven officers. A K-9 unit was on the scene. The officer in charge…
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Issa Trap: How Killer Mike Became the NRA’s Token Negro
“All warfare is based on deception.” —Sun Tzu, The Art of War A few days ago, I received a phone call from Kyla Lacey, a friend and contributor to The Root. Kyla informed me that she had received a request to appear on Laura Ingraham’s show on Fox News and asked if I thought it…
