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Types Of Pork, Ranked
Every Labor Day weekend in Pittsburgh, a rib festival (aptly named “The Rib Fest”) takes place outside of Heinz Field. Dozens of award-winning swine-selling companies set up storefronts and sell their best ribs, pulled pork sandwiches, sausages, briskets, and heart disease. Naturally, as a pork coisennessuor, I spent a decent amount of time there this…
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10 Things You Need To Know About The Black Barbershop
1. Breaking up with a barber is the most traumatic break-up a Black man will ever experience. One, because barber relationships usually last much longer than the half-assed, Tinder-generated exchange of Netflix passwords and seminal fluids you people call “relationships.” But also because the usual break-up excuses — “It’s not you, it’s me” and “I’m…
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Roger Goodell Is A Turducken Of Shitty
In one of the emails in Deadspin’s Funbag this week, someone brought up a wacky teacher who’d give students 95s on multiple choice tests if they got every answer wrong. Get one or two right, though, and you’d get your real grade. Obviously, the implied rationale is that if you’re able to intentionally get every answer wrong, you…
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Exclusive: A Leaked Email Exchange Between Kanye West And President Obama
A few weeks ago, our sources were somehow able to find an email conversation between Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill. And then, a couple weeks later, one between Meek Mill and Drake. And then, those same sources found another email conversation, but between Drake and Serena Williams. We have great sources. Our sources are the shit. They outdid…
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Nicki Minaj's "Pastor Lydia" Is The Worst Pastor Ever, And More Takeaways From The 2015 VMAs
1. It is 8:12 am. Which means it’s been less than nine hours since I watched the VMAs. In that time span I ate (approximately) seven lukewarm tator tots, drank two glasses of water, slept for six hours, walked my dog, and took The Wife Person™ to work. I also tried (and failed) to remember any…
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Black People Don't Hate Dogs. We Just Hate When Their Lives Are Valued More Than Ours
My Pittsburgh Steelers are apparently courting Michael Vick to become their new back up QB. There are several reasons to be for (i.e.: the Steelers haven’t had a back up QB with an actual pulse since Charlie Batch) or against (i.e.: Michael Vick is the same age as “Rapper’s Delight”) this move. (For the record, I’m for…
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The One Superpower All Black People Possess? Detecting Blackness
Now that the Shaun King “controversy” has apparently been settled, and the right-wing trolls have returned to their cages and their shifts at Dick’s Sporting Goods, I’m still legitimately fascinated with — but not surprised by — the fact that so many people doubted King’s ethnicity. And I’m not talking about the cretins scouring for any reason to…
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Yes, Participation Trophies Are Stupid, But James Harrison Is A Shitty Parent
Let’s just get this out of the way. Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker James Harrison was recently in the news for an Instagram post where he took a picture of trophies his sons were awarded for participating in a sports league, and wrote that he was giving them back. His rationale? Trophies need to be earned, not…
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Lying On Your Dick, Explained
On Sunday, TMZ Sports caught up with neck tattoo model Matt Barnes outside of a celebrity softball game, asking him about his rumored relationship with Rihanna. Barnes didn’t explicitly confirm a relationship, but he didn’t exactly deny anything either. For the billions of people unaware of a Barnes/Rihanna romance, it’s very likely you’d come away…
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Grits, Oatmeal, And Cream Of Wheat Are The Rock-Paper-Scissors Of Breakfast Food
Think about it. Grits always beats oatmeal. If you have a choice between grits and oatmeal, you choose grits every single time. Unless, of course, you’re either a Big Sean fan or actually Big Sean. And, if this is true, you probably eat oatmeal with a fork, so you don’t matter anyway. But, oatmeal beats…
