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Ice Cube Is Ellis From Die Hard
Do you remember this guy? If you’re my age (41) or older, you probably do. I’m sure Ice Cube does, because he’s old as fuck! If you don’t, his name is Ellis and he’s from a movie called Die Hard. In it, a group of sophisticated terrorists—led by the iconic Hans Gruber—take a building hostage…
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I'd Rather Wait in Line for Hours for a Popeyes Chicken Sandwich Than to Vote
I’ve always believed that the single Drakiest Drake song is “Shot For Me.” It’s petty, it’s passive-aggressive, and it’s actually pretty damn mean and nasty, but its meanness and nastiness are obscured by Drake’s falsetto-ey intonation. Bitch, I’m the man, don’t you forget itThe way you walk, that’s meThe way you talk, that’s meThe way…
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A List of Things the Biden Campaign's Battle Rap Ad Inspire Me to Vote For
1. Pestilence 2. Plague 3. Asteroids 4. COVID 5. Trump
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Mike Is Still the 'Greatest,' but LeBron Is the Best
The first NBA game I remember watching in full was in 1986 when Michael Jordan dropped 63 on the Boston Celtics in the playoffs. I’m certain I watched games before that one, either with my dad or on one of the BETA tape recordings he’d make of games that aired when he wasn’t home. But…
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Trashcan Lannister Attempts to Dunk on Joe Biden While Nation Anxiously Waits for Her to Get COVID-19 Too
Early this morning, backslid humanoid Termite Listeriosis emerged from her deep slumber on a dumpster in an outhouse adjoined to a Barbie Dream Trap House to remind the world that a) she still exists and b) probably shouldn’t. Decades from now, when Torrential Laceration’s brain is devoted to science, perhaps we’ll finally understand the psychosis…
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President Trump's Health Is Reportedly Much Worse Than the White House Indicated. Here's Some Sneakers I Own.
These are really comfortable. These too. These are fun. I love the gold here. Classic.
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If You're Happy President Trump Tested Positive for COVID-19, You're Just as Bad as He Is
Regardless of my feelings about his politics, Donald Trump is a human first. A husband. A father. An uncle. An American. And today I am deeply saddened by the news that both he and his wife, Melania, have tested positive for COVID-19. Yes, he is an abhorrent person who has said and done terrible things.…
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You Don't Need to Pull Your Mask Down to Talk to Me. You Don't Need to Pull Your Mask Down to Talk to Me. You Don't Need to…
…pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to me. You don’t need to pull your mask down to talk to…
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America Ain't Better Than This
I forget exactly how old I was. Maybe 9. Maybe 10. It was summer. A Sunday. Dad and I were preparing to spend the day at the hoop courts behind Reizenstein—him running full on the main court with the rest of the oldheads, and me doing Mikans and playing 33 on side hoops with whichever…
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If You Thought It'd Be Fun to Get a Toothache and See a Dentist During a Pandemic, Guess What? It's Not!
I know, I know, I know. Staying socially distant during COVID is quite the drag, and you thought it would be new and exciting and fun to have one of the wisdom teeth you actually planned to extract in April—but couldn’t because COVID—get infected. You already walked all the steps, streamed all the shows, and…
