-
Ways Jason Whitlock Probably Reacted After Learning GQ Named Colin Kaepernick Citizen of the Year, Ranked
10. Took a really long shower. Not a Silkwood shower where he furiously scrubbed his skin, but one of those 40-minute-long soapless showers where you just lean up against a wall letting the water hit your back while you ponder the inescapable vastness of the void. 9. Called Jeff George just to invite him over…
-
4 Underrated Things About NYC From a Guy Who Doesn’t Hate It There as Much as He Used To
So, the title is somewhat misleading. Even though every time I’m there it’s cold and hot and wet and generally smells like a lit candle stuck in a pigeon’s ass, I never actually hated New York City. I just felt uneasy, awkward and overwhelmed. Basically, visiting New York City is like watching Funny Games. But…
-
The Most Useless Types of White People, Ranked
10. The “I would have voted for Obama again” guy, which, since a three-term presidency is literally not possible right now, is like saying, “I totally would have killed a velociraptor, dude. Totally.” 9. The “Why can’t we just forget about our differences and come together?” guy, who’s usually the exact-same guy as the “I…
-
The White Woman Who Got Fired for Giving Trump the Finger Is the Blackest Thing That Ever Happened This Week
To be clear, I am not interested in any honorary blackening or distributing any sort of cookout invitations to Juli Briskman, the white woman fired from her marketing-company job after a photo of her flipping the bird at a Trump motorcade went viral. Because while Juli might very well be swell, I don’t know her…
-
Perhaps He’s ‘Corny,’ but Russell Wilson Would Definitely Whoop Your Ass (and Future’s Too, if It Ever Came to That)
I’ve stayed away from the recent round of Crunchy Sock Twitter’s discontentment with Russell Wilson’s very public display of affection for his wife, Ciara. Because I’ve written about it before. A few times, actually. And what more can really be said about people so invested in Ciara’s unhappiness—and the perpetual unhappiness of other black women…
-
Trump Found a White Dude Named ‘Jerome’ to Be in Charge of Our Money Because Nothing Makes Sense Anymore
I’ve been in airports and on airplanes all day, dealing with shitty cellphone signals and shittier airport Wi-Fi for the last few hours, so when I finally was able to get online just now after landing in Pittsburgh, I checked Twitter to see if anything particularly newsworthy had happened while I was offline. First I…
-
10 Cringeworthy Things Every Black Person Born Between 1975 and 1985 Did in Their Teens and 20s, Ranked
10. Performed spoken-word poetry that included either aggressive enunciations of “clitoris” or a line about how “justice” ain’t “just us” because it “just ain’t for us” 9. Strongly considered selling Pre-Paid Legal 8. Either had sex with Timberlands and socks still on or had sex with someone with Timberlands and socks still on 7. Believed…
-
We Need a Reset Button or Something for White People
Do you remember Ruben Studdard? Of course you do! That was a rhetorical question! But just in case you don’t, Ruben won American Idol in 2003, back when that actually mattered, and then later that year released his first album, Soulful, which went platinum. Soulful’s most popular single was “Sorry 2004.” Which was a fucking…
-
55 Percent of White Americans Believe Whites Face Racial Discrimination, Which Means 55 Percent of White Americans Are Really Stupid!
As Halloween nears, I’m reminded of the time 20 or so years ago when my then-7-year-old nephew spent the entire year talking about Halloween. How much candy he was going to get, how great his costume was going to be, how many houses he was going to hit—he was an unceasing stream of Halloween-related predictions,…
-
10 Easy Costumes for Black People Who Aren’t Really Into Halloween Like That but Still Want to Have Fun
Requirements: A “full beard with no mustache” mask. Patchouli-marinated dashiki over some joggers and Polo boots. A white blow-up doll (your date). Absolutely, positively, no lotion. Requirements: Chinos and Sperry docksiders (if male) or whatever the fuck is in Stacey Dash’s closet (if female). Shirts, slacks and dresses limited to four colors: red, white, blue…
