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Dear Black America: Be Prepared to Be Bernie’s and Hillary’s Token Black Friend for the Next 5 Months
It was the first semester of my freshman year in college. I met “David” while at one of the bars near campus. The people I went there with that night were all too young to drink, but David (who was a junior) made a point to buy shots for each of us. My friends and…
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The 10 Blackest Things Michelle Obama Has Ever Done
At the time of this writing, “I Miss Barack Obama” is one of Twitter’s top trending topics; a response to a viral piece from David Brooks of the New York Times, where he opines on the president’s many virtues (most notably, the fact that President Obama is, above all else, a good and decent person).…
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I’m a Grown Man, but I Still Don’t Cuss in Front of My Dad
I remember the first time it happened. I was in sixth grade. It was my second week at St. Barts, a private Catholic school in Penn Hills, a suburb of Pittsburgh. My parents took me out of the city schools and sent me there because of its academic record and its athletic reputation. Actually, that’s…
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How to Protect Yourself From the Flood of White Tears That’ll Come if the Panthers Win the Super Bowl
In the book of Genesis, God—apparently fed up with humans for acting like … humans—decided to start humanity from scratch by flooding the entire earth. Which proves, again, that God is truly the alpha and the omega of everything. Including being petty. Humanity eventually recovered from this flood—thanks in large part to Noah, who was…
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4 Theories on Why Kanye Is Still So Obsessed With Amber Rose
Wednesday afternoon, Kanye West went Peak Kanye with his hourlong rant of consciousness directed at Wiz Khalifa, where he insulted Khalifa’s music and his status as a rapper while also giving Khalifa what seemed to be genuinely sincere compliments. Kanye West is a weird duck. Unfortunately, Kanye didn’t stop there, as he felt the need…
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Why Macklemore’s ‘White Privilege II’ Still Misses the Mark, Explained
Who is Macklemore? Have you ever been to Whole Foods on a Saturday afternoon, when it’s giving out free samples? And there’s this superfit and ultra-earnest bearded man passing out surprisingly tasty and unfathomably expensive vegan-chorizo hash? Macklemore is that guy, if that guy were also a rapper. But isn’t Macklemore very popular? A quick…
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Her Name Was Janese Talton-Jackson and She Was Killed Because She Said No
I did not know Janese Talton-Jackson on a personal level. There’s a chance I might have seen her before. And a lesser chance I might have spoken to her. But if I did either, I don’t remember. But after news of her death began to circulate on Facebook on Friday afternoon, and more and more…
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Why Is Stacey Dash So Damn Stupid? An Investigation
On Wednesday, life-size human Bratz doll Stacey Dash found her way to a television studio. Flabbergasted that a human Bratz would have the wherewithal and agency to walk into a television studio, the people at the studio began filming her, hoping, perhaps, to capture a miracle. And then, while being filmed, she opened her mouth. And…
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How to Fix Will Smith’s Career
I know, I know, I know. You don’t have to say anything. I realize that writing a piece about “fixing” Will Smith’s career implies that there’s something wrong with Will Smith’s career. And I also realize how ridiculous it is to imply that anything is wrong with Will Smith’s career. I cannot think of anyone—no,…
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Why I Will Never Spank My Daughter
I’m typing these words in fear, my fingers softly brushing the keys on my laptop so I don’t make too much sound. I’m also eating my breakfast quickly, furiously, madly and quietly, like a prisoner in solitary just given a pack of saltines. I’m shoeless because my Tims make too much noise on the hardwood…
