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The 10 Whitest Things About the Woman Who Flushed Her Emotional-Support Hamster Down the Toilet at the Airport
Like sandwich cake, video games, Mary Kay distributing and trapping, there are levels to this whiteness shit. In Pittsburgh alone, there are at least 26 different grades of whiteness, including garden-variety Yinzer whiteness, Appalachian-adjacent whiteness, well-meaning Patagonia whiteness, Lululemon whiteness and Ben Roethlisberger. And sometimes, as in the story about Belen Aldecosea—the Florida woman who,…
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10 Questions We Really Wish Quincy Jones Had Answered
Quincy Jones’ recent viral interviews have proved that he’s thoroughly fuck-deprived. And also, to quote the homie Sai Grundy, “the antithesis of Sway”—because while Sway AIN’T GOT THE ANSWERS, Quincy Jones definitely does. He has so many answers, in fact, that we’d like him to put his Negrodamus powers to good use and solve some…
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All I Want Is to Be 84 Years Old so I Can Give Negative-Infinity Fucks Like Quincy Jones
The entire span of my 30s has been an exercise in attempting to give the fewest fucks possible. It hasn’t been easy. Fucks are sticky. Fucks are Velcro. Fucks are pieces of confetti you still occasionally find in a sweater you wore to a New Year’s Eve party in 2015. Just when you think you’re…
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Pastors With Bentleys and the Messy Psychology of Money
Black Pittsburgh Facebook was on fire yesterday because the pastor of a popular church here, Mount Ararat, seems to have recently purchased a Bentley Bentayga. A photo of the truck parked outside the church has gone Pittsburgh viral, with hundreds of people offering their thoughts on the pastor’s purchase. Here are some of mine. 1.…
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The Difference Between ‘Hungry’ and ‘Thirsty,’ Explained
Thank you for the kind words! I should tell you, though, that this explainer is actually about the colloquial use of “hungry” and “thirsty,” not the standard definitions. Shit. I need to hurry with this explainer, then, because you’re gonna die soon. Anyway, in a colloquial sense, “thirsty” and “hungry” both mean the same…
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Is It Racist to Hate the New England Patriots Because They Have Too Many White Players? (Hint: Nope!)
You do not have to search very far to find good and moral reasons to hate the New England Patriots (also, to be clear, this is a sports hate, not a hate hate—hate hates are reserved for soggy chicken wings, cave crickets and Post Malone). In fact, you don’t have to search at all. If…
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America Will Not Stop Until Martin Luther King Jr. Is Completely Rebranded as a Slice of Avocado Toast
America’s progressive distilling, dissolution and dissolving of Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy and the accompanying appropriation of his words is truly a wonder to behold. It is like watching someone pour themselves a shot of Jack Daniels—but in a gallon jug instead of a shot glass. And then watching them add more and more ice…
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The World’s 10 Greatest Solemn-Ass Negroes, Ranked
I forgot who it was who first told me that Ice Cube never smiles in movies. I think it was a Delta because that’s a very Delta observation to make. But yeah, Ice Cube never smiles in movies. I imagine Queensbridge project life is hard, but I had no idea it was so hard that…
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Is It Safe Now to Talk About How the Congressional Black Caucus’ State of the Union ‘Protest’ Was Just Kente Cloth Cosplay?
I was on a flight from Washington, D.C., to Pittsburgh during the State of the Union, so I missed the entire thing. Actually, “missed,” in this context, is somewhat misleading. Because even if I had been able to watch it, I probably wouldn’t have. Because the absurd theater of what happens when President Donald Trump…
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Reviews of Black Panther, Reviewed
Um, not exactly … Well … I didn’t actually … I didn’t actually see the movie, man. This is just a review of all the reviews I’ve read so far today. Nah. I didn’t get an invite. I mean, I do plan to see the movie. And I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. But none of…
