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25 Questions for the People Who Wear Masks While Driving Their Cars
1. Why are you doing this? 2. I don’t get it? 3. I mean I get how COVID has invaded our brains and made us question whether the things we’re doing are healthy and safe? 4. Just yesterday I rubbed hand sanitizer on a Snickers wrapper before opening it? 5. Which I’m certain isn’t safe?…
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30 Questions About Dr. Umar Johnson's Claim That Black Americans Spend $19 Million a Year on Grits
In an Instagram post on Labor Day, Dr. Umar Johnson lamented that he would be able to build multiple schools for Black boys if we gave our annual grit money to him instead. I have questions. 1. Where did he find that number? 2. Is there a secret registry of grain-specific stats that only hotep…
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35 Things I Thought Were Signs of Extreme Wealth When I Was Younger
1. A garage 2. A basketball hoop on said garage 3. A fiberglass basketball hoop (if you had this, I assumed you were Warren Buffet) 4. A pantry 5. A finished basement 6. A family with two cars 7. A salary of over $60,000 a year 8. Annual family vacations 9. Having separate hoop shoes…
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VAN JONES IS AARON BURR!
It finally dawned on me yesterday, after reading that Van Jones said Jared Kushner has “the dopest job in the world.” Which is such a Van Jones-ass thing to do and say—and not just because he’s praising the effete criminal dickwad who’s what would happen if every Jared ever and every 28-year-old MBA ever were…
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When a Black Man Yearns to be the Worst White Man
I’m reminded this afternoon, when rewatching Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron’s goofy speech at the Republican National Convention, of Pinocchio. And of Icarus. And of Antonio Salieri. And of Tom Ripley. And of the Chrysler 300. And of so many other people and places and things—fictional and as real as tree bark—that have pined to…
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Abolish All These Damn Zoom Work Calls So I Can Be Naked While Working at Home Again
So it’s not so much that working while naked is a thing I need to do. I’m anemic, so I get cold easily. (I am the person who, immediately after checking into a hotel room, turns the thermostat to 80, leaves and doesn’t come back until the room is sufficiently toasty.) And it doesn’t feel…
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Abolish Gutless White Journalists Saying 'America' When They Clearly Mean 'White America'
You cannot read Ethan Strauss’s piece on the NBA’s rating problems without a subscription to The Athletic. Fortunately, you do not need to read it to have read it, because his 25-character tweet accurately synopsizes the 2,000 words behind the paywall. In it, Strauss stretches himself into logical origami to determine that the NBA’s very…
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The Best Part of Lovecraft Country's Premiere? What Happens to the Racist-est Racists
Of the several nits I have to pick with Watchmen—a show I am still infatuated with—the most prominent (and also the pettiest) is that the murderous racists didn’t die violent and painful enough deaths. One (Senator Keene) was literally liquified because of his own ego, and the other racists were zapped to oblivion by Lady…
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COVID-19 Made Me a One-Issue Voter: Get the Man Responsible for 165,000 American Deaths the Fuck Out
So I guess there’s no point in belaboring my premise since it’s right there, with a bullhorn, in the title, but I do want to clarify. Getting the motherfucker(s) most responsible for the way COVID-19 has devastated America the fuck out of office is the thing I care about most right now. But it’s not…
