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Nothing Reminds You That You're Black in White America Like Trying to Buy a House
Five weeks ago, moments after landing back in Pittsburgh after a two-day long trip to Chicago, I switched off airplane mode, checked my phone, and saw a transcribed voicemail from my mortgage consultant, asking me to call him back. We were 11 days away from closing. The loan and the interest rate had already been…
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Polite White People Are (Still) Useless
Earlier today, the New York Times published a piece where Margaret Renkl, a very nice white lady, instructed other very nice white ladies and gentlemen on how to be nicer to their racist brethren. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, Self, how can I be more magnanimous to racists?, “How to Talk to a Racist”…
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Things Black People Say When You Might Be About to Catch Those Hands But You're Not Quite Sure
If the “Aiight. Bet” is accompanied by a lack of eye contact and a slight head nod—and not a shy lack of eye contact but eyes that are clearly focused on something else—run. Don’t ask questions. Don’t wait for clarification. Just run. Same. Same, again. Thus ends the famed and dreaded “Aiight Foursome.” The irony…
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A List of Things La Croix Tastes Like
1. Puddle water with a severance package 2. How Steve Bannon looks 3. Listening to Rita Ora 4. Being open-hand slapped with an almost-ripe banana 5. Gnat pussy 6. A read receipt 7. An ambitious saltine 8. A sincere effort to make colonoscopy prep more tolerable 9. One of those burps that occurs after you’ve…
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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 35. Pretending to Enjoy La Croix
Although bougie black people have grown to be adaptable to all seasons, summertime is when they’re truly in their element. Between the numerous festivals, fests, day parties, block parties, clam bakes, fish fries, boat rides, and bottomless trap brunches occurring weekly in places BBP congregate, it provides them prime opportunity to see and be seen.…
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Are White Sneakers Worth the Trouble? (An Important Debate)
White sneakers are a thing that many people own and occasionally wear. I own two pairs, and I’ve enjoyed the experience of owning and wearing them. I would imagine that other wearers and owners of white sneakers have similar positive thoughts about them. Wearing white sneakers is like drinking grapefruit juice. It might not be…
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10 Quick Things About What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker, an Upcoming Memoir in Essays From Damon Young
Yes, I did. It’s right there in my bio, man. But just in case you didn’t read—and you very obviously didn’t—in the fall of 2016, I signed a two-book deal with Ecco Books, an imprint of HarperCollins. This is the first book. It’s a look at some of the absurdities, angsts and anxieties of existing…
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Amazon Should Replace Literally Every White Man to Save Local Taxpayers Money
There was a time that white men offered the local community lots of services in exchange for their tax money. They would invent things like the Snickers bar and the shoelace, they wouldn’t exist as things named Tekashi 6ix9ine, and they saved Private Ryan. Residents could borrow any white man they wanted, marry it, and…
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A Running List of Things Straight Men Can’t and Shouldn’t Do Because It’ll Make Us Gay
Running List of Things Straight Men Can’t and Shouldn’t Do Because It’ll Make Us Gay
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15 (Usually) White Pickup Basketball Players We Need to Start Calling the Cops on Too
I’m just saying. If they’re going to call the cops on us for setting hard screens, we can easily return the favor. 1. The hairy guy with no shirt whose back is basically a sheen of sweat and fur. 2. The guy with khaki shorts and a backwards baseball cap on. 3. The hockey/lacrosse/soccer/football player…
