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I Just Want These Raggedy Shitstains to Lose
In a Billboard cover story last week, knapsack enthusiast J. Cole admitted that he didn’t vote in the 2016 presidential election, claiming that while he would have voted for Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton just didn’t motivate him. Naturally, he was roundly criticized for this—particularly since he’s considered to be (and shrewdly positioned himself as) an…
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The 10 Most Common Questions Asked in Married Households
1. “Did you poop today?” 2. “When was the last time you pooped?” 3. “Did you feel better after you pooped?” 4. “Will those beans/spinach/nuts/kale/pills/yoga/workout plan/new sheets/fancy toothpaste help me/you poop?” 5. “How many poops did you take this week?” 6. “You don’t remember the last time you pooped?” 7. “If we go to this…
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The Delicious Salt of Brett Kavanaugh’s White Tears
When watching Brett Kavanaugh—a man whose job interview is quite a bit harder than he anticipated it being—break down during Supreme Court confirmation hearings today as he denies the charges levied against him by Christine Blasey Ford, it’s natural to assume that he’s acting, that the tears he’s struggling to hold back is a dance…
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Bill Cosby Hates You
We can conclude, with much evidence and without much doubt, that Bill Cosby hates women. When a person has been deemed by a judge a “sexually violent predator” and said person’s prey happens to be women—dozens of women—using hate to describe the predator’s feelings towards them is such a common sense encapsulation that it might…
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Watch: America's Ashiest People
If you ever wanted to 1. know who the nine ashiest people in America are and 2. watch me on camera revealing the list, today is your day. Today is your birthday. Behold as I list the folks whose ashiness transcends the physical and becomes spiritual—metaphysical, even. This is what happens when both your skin and…
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Tomcat Licorice Tells Michelle Obama to ‘Sit Down,’ And She Really Don’t Want Those Problems
Earlier today, Tyrannosaurus Lobotomy crawled from out of her loft space in a Lululemon changing room trash can to tweet that Michelle Obama should “sit down” because Obama referred to her husband, Barack Obama, as a great president during a rally in Las Vegas. Of course, a trash person formulating trash thoughts and opening their…
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An Argument for Why Donald Glover in The Martian Is the Greatest Magical Negro Ever
We’ve seen myriad depictions of the Magical Negro on screen. Some, like Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty, are omnipotent. Some, like Chris Rock in Dogma, bring comedy relief and strange hair. And then others, like Anthony Mackie in The Adjustment Bureau, are basically motion-sensor lights for white people. But none of these Magic-ass Negroes are…
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25 Things Overheard When Watching Girls Trip In a Hotel Room Full of Men During a Bachelor Party in New Orleans
This time last week, I was in New Orleans for Panama’s bachelor party weekend. I arrived Friday afternoon, and after the fellas already in New Orleans returned from the plantation tour, we gathered in Panama’s hotel room to kick it and determine our plans for the night. The TV happened to be on, and Girls…
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A Look Back at the Reaction to 'Straight Black Men Are the White People of Black People' a Year Later
A year ago, a line in a piece from Saki Benibo—an assertion also articulated a year before in a tweet from Mela Machinko—inspired me to write something of my own based on that statement. The result (“Straight Black Men Are The White People Of Black People”) was my most read VSB piece of 2017. It…
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Terence Nance and Damon Young on Random Acts of Flyness, Intentional Acts of Blackness, and the Beauty of Lotion
Four things you don’t really need to know before watching this (but I’m going to tell you anyway) 1. Although this video is 12 minutes of Terence Nance (the creator and star of HBO’s Random Acts of Flyness) and I talking about everything from subverting the white gaze to the performance of masculinity (and the…
