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10 Reasons Why Inviting White People to the Mythical 'Cookout' Is Stupid and Silly and Needs to Stop Forever
1. Because it’s stupid and silly. 2. Because you’re fucking goofy for thinking this is cool. 3. Because cookout meat is precious and sacred and not meant to be shared with interlopers, gentrifiers, and Travis Fucking Kelce. 4. Because the bar for what constitutes “cookout invites” is lower than Rush Limbaugh’s life expectancy. 5. Because…
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Terry Crews Is Ashy
There are, according to my research, three grades of ash; each uncomfortable in its own way, but one a bit deeper and, um, ashier than the rest. First, of course, is literal ash. This is what happens when your skin gets dry and an anti-sheen attacks it, leaving you looking and feeling like you just…
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On Processing My Messy Feelings About Kobe Bryant’s Myth, Life and Death
The first time I saw Kobe Bryant play live was at the McDonald’s All-American Basketball Game in 1996. The game was played in Pittsburgh that year, and I went to the Civic Arena downtown to watch it. I’d already had a relationship with the idea of him. He was the top high school basketball player…
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Tyler Perry Is America’s Greatest Entertainer
There comes a point in every full-throated internet or in-person defense of Tyler Perry when the arguments begin to sound like justifications for Amazon—or, well, Avon Barksdale. “He creates jobs!” “He serves his audience what they want!” “You can’t knock his business acumen!” “He’s self-made!” “He gives back to the community!” “He gave my aunt…
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Maybe Meghan Markle Was Just Tired of Eating Baked Beans and Eggs on Toast for Breakfast
Any list of the pleasant surprises from the months of book-related touring, talks, events, and appearances in 2019 would include the week I spent in London in May. It was my first time in England—a place I never had any desire to visit. (I’ve seen Closer seven times, which I figured was enough London for…
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An Open Letter to All the Disrespectful Negroes Who Went to Ghana and Ditched Us in Triflin'-Ass America
Firstly, I hate each and every one of you. Secondly, I’m not even sure if “firstly” is a word—it felt awkward in my mouth, like peanut butter on potato chips—but it fits with what I’m saying, so it will be today. But thirdly (and most importantly), why did you do this to us? Of course, “us”…
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I Will Never Forgive White People for Donald Trump
I forget sometimes that Donald Trump is president. I’ve tried to convince myself that this is intentional; a willful misremembering of reality necessary to process his span in office. There’d be a nobility there, I think, as this would suggest I’m so empathetic, so down, so woke, that I can’t even sleep without tricking myself…
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30 Questions for the Way Too Aggressive Card Chip Reader at Target Last Night
1. When I was done making my purchase yesterday—a Wilton Icing Writing Black Pen and three Sterilite Clearview Latch Boxes with purple latches—was it really necessary to say “Remove your card … NOW?” 2. Don’t you know that putting “NOW” in there was overkill? 3. And also rude as fuck? 4. What happened to “Remove…
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Pete Buttigieg Is (Also) Lying About His Age
I was tempted to begin this by saying I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t been paying much attention to the Democratic presidential nominee horserace, but I didn’t say the thing I’m saying I didn’t say, because it would have been a lie. I am neither ashamed to admit that nor even incrementally approaching shame.…
