This message is not intended solely for white pet owners. There are a few black pet owners who do this, too. Don’t act like you don’t know who you are. We see you, too.
I’m sorry about the frown, but it’s just weird for me when white people name their pets human names like Alexander or Guinevere—not even Gwen, but the whole-ass Guinevere! Whatever happened to names like “Fido” or “Mr. Wiggles”? Expecting me to use all those syllables when I’m talking to a dog is white privilege. Black people get two syllables, that’s it. Your people should do the same!
Anyway, we thought we needed to have a talk with y’all because, on numerous occasions, we’ve tried to have this chat with your owners and it always fails. We figured that you guys could bark some sense into their heads, since they act as if they can understand you more than they do us.
Basically, what we want to say is: Y’all need to chill.
Lately, we have noticed you walking around and chilling in places that you shouldn’t be. At first, it was riding around in cars. We used to assume that when a dog was in a car, it was on the way to the veterinarian or headed to the dog park. But then we’d see you waiting in the car at the grocery store, and we wondered what the fuck was going on. “OK, they must’ve stopped to pick up some Gravy Train on the way home from the vet,” we thought.
We were wrong.
Then they started bringing you guys inside the store, and we were like, “Really, wypipo? Is that necessary?” Look, I own a 165-pound Great Dane, and I don’t even take him to the pet store. It’s not like he’s going to pick out anything. When I bring a chew toy home, he has never complained, “A rubber duck, nigga? I was hoping for a bone.”
But we remained polite and didn’t say anything, even though we noticed it happening more and more. I’m sure you know how white people are: Give them an inch and they’ll take a yard ... and then they’ll let their puppy shit in that yard.
Now you guys are everywhere. I see you in malls, at the dry cleaners and—I swear this is true—at church. That’s right. There are churches that have pet services! What the fuck, man? I know Jesus is up there watching and shaking his head thinking, “Hey, Daddy, come look at this! They’re taking the ‘All dogs go to heaven’ too literally!’”
But the final straw was when they started bringing you guys into restaurants. Now, I know white people are predisposed to not respecting boundaries, but restaurants are a tad bit outside the limits. That’s just nasty. I understand that they don’t see a problem with it, but we, the nonwhite people of the world, get the heebie-jeebies just thinking about eating a 2-for-$20 appetizer at Applebee’s with a fork that was previously licked by a St. Bernard. Ugh!
That’s why we shake our heads when we see a Caucasian fellow traveler who bought a first-class plane ticket for his or her Labradoodle. Dogs don’t need a vacation, my G! No, I’m not gonna say the whole “Guinevere.” I’m a grown-ass man. And human.
It’s not like we don’t value your “people”; it’s that we think there are certain places you don’t belong. Those places are called “everywhere but home.” If you can’t shit in a place without causing a commotion, you shouldn’t be there. Black people love pets, too, just not as much as white people. We have a saying among ourselves: “White people love dogs. Black people love their dogs.”
Historically, dogs were used to hunt fugitive slaves. The police sicced them on peaceful civil rights protesters. Lynch mobs always had a pack of dogs with them. Almost every black person grew up in a neighborhood that had a mean dog. So we don’t trust everyone’s animals.
Anything with teeth will bite. That’s called the “Golden Retriever rule.” Now you understand why people freak out about dogs on planes and why the lady cursed out restaurant patrons for bringing a dog into a food establishment.
She wasn’t being rude. The rude one was whoever brought a big-ass animal into a place where people eat animals. We shouldn’t have to gaze into a canine anus when we’re eating our calamari. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible. Ask your Sunday school teacher at church this week. I’m sure it’s in the Bible.
I know you guys would probably rather stay at home, too. So why don’t you do that? We will make an exception for real service animals, but we will need to see documentation. And not that bullshit orange vest, emotional-support dog bullshit, either. Your owner should be visually impaired, have post-traumatic stress disorder or some other ailment we can verify. You know what we use for emotional support? People.
And this exception is only for dogs! If you show up at the airport or TGI Fridays with a service rooster or teacup pig, we are going to have chicken and bacon. Otherwise, tell them to leave your ass at home.
We hope you’ll relay this message to your owners. From our research, we are aware that white America values fur over brown skin. We are cool with that, because, truthfully, the only reason we haven’t started a real revolution in this country is that we can’t figure out who’s going to take care of all the orphaned dogs.
Tell Rebecca and Chad we said, “Hi.”