What do you get the mediocre white man who’s been gifted everything from his real estate portfolio (see: father Trump) to the White House (see: Russia)? Well, The Root staff writer Michael Harriot and Senior Editor Stephen A. Crockett Jr. have come up with a few ideas—a few trinkets, if you will—that black America would like to give 45 on his special day.
White 1,500-count, Egyptian cotton sheets: Aside from being the most luxurious, comfortable sheets on the market, these will ensure that you get some of the best sleep you’ve ever had. We know how uncomfortable those cheap, government-issue bedsheets can be, rubbing off your bronzer, messing up your hair weave. We honestly believe that’s why you’re always up late tweeting dumb shit. You have the complexion of an outdoor basketball that has been left in the rain, and rubbing up against those cheap, government-issue bedclothes can make a man wake up in the middle of the night, disturbing his racist dreams as he screams “Covfefe” into the night—which is a Russian word meaning “nigger.”
You might be apprehensive because these sheets are made from Egyptian cotton, and we know how you feel about buying American and about people from the Middle East, but don’t worry—every time you go to bed, just picture people of color picking cotton to make these sheets. And if Melania doesn’t like them, you can always ask the man who makes your custom suits to repurpose the sheets into the most comfortable Ku Klux Klan robe ever.
Waterproof sheets: For those crazy Russian-hooker nights.
GPS tracking device: So you can find your brain and then remove if from your ass. Also, this could be used to keep track of Melania because she don’t fuck with you, and we’re pretty sure she’s with someone else.
A MAC-cosmetics gift card: There are MAC counters in the same places that sell your shitty, button-up shirts, and if you’re going to use Halloween foundation on your face, you could at least let a professional show you how to blend your eyes properly.
Bowling gloves: We understand that you probably never learned common-people activities like bowling, driving or telling the truth, but these gloves come in very handy at your age. Aside from protecting you against arthritis, they keep your fingers in the proper pussy-grabbing position, ensuring that you are always using the correct form.
Astroglide: We’ve never been anyone’s puppet, but we’ve heard that it will help Vladimir Putin’s hand slide in much easier.
A thesaurus: Bruh, could you possibly learn some more synonyms so you won’t have to repeat “very” 132 times in a row? The idea that we have a president with the vocabulary of a dim-witted parakeet is very, very, very, very disconcerting.
An 11-foot ladder: Just to show you that a 10-foot wall is a stupid idea.
A seventh-grade social studies book: We know in rich, white schools you probably had to spend your time learning how to commodify privilege, how to tell casual khakis from your yachting pants and how to correctly place your foot on the neck of the underclass to endure that it won’t rise against you, so you might not have had time for middle school U.S. history. We saw your speech about how you were treated worse than any other president in history, and thought you might want to learn about Presidents Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley, John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan, who were all shot (and, except for Reagan, killed) while they were president.
Or maybe we underestimated you. When you said that President Andrew Jackson could have stopped the Civil War, maybe you were aware of a secret government time machine that we don’t know about. Anyway, there are a lot of pretty pictures.
A “Stop Snitching” T-shirt: Wear this under your suit, and every time you think of spilling classified secrets to the Russians or telling Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte where our submarines are located, rub your chest and remember what snitches get …
Goggles: When you take your next trip to Russia, we don’t want you getting the pink eye. There’s no telling what kind of bacteria is in Russian-hooker urine.
Luggage: So that you can pack up all your bronzer, ketchup and old meat and get the fuck out of the White House.