Donald Trump during Launch of Trump Steaks at the Sharper Image in New York City on May 8, 2007 (Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images) 

I know you’re tired of me, but can you explain the articles all over the internet today about Donald Trump and pop?

Because people are stupid. Also, you pronounced “soda” wrong.

I’m from Detroit. We say “pop.” But what does people’s stupidity have to do with Trump’s love for carbonated beverages?

The New York Times published an article Saturday about Trump’s battle for self-preservation. It was an extremely interesting, nuanced view of Orange-Faygo Fuckboy. The piece examined how Trump didn’t think of himself as a man dominating the world stage as much as he considered himself a Washington outsider fighting for legitimacy. It highlighted his insecurities, his lack of policy knowledge, and his desperate need for relevancy and affirmation. The story also described Trump lying in bed, propping himself up on a pillow to tweet. It also casually mentioned that he drinks about a dozen Diet Cokes a day.

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Guess which part people are talking about?

Even though he denies the Times’ report that he watches four to eight hours of TV a day, and he once said that he doesn’t believe in exercise, it is partly funny because he is shaped like a New Times Roman lowercase “a” and once tweeted this:

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Some people have referred to his eating habits as the “wealthy white trash diet.”

I know by “some people,” you mean “Michael Harriot.” But 12 sodas in a day? Who does that?

The kind of person who orders Filet-o-Fish (a seafoodlike substance that is the result of a fish fucking a Pop-Tart) from McDonald’s and proudly tweets a picture of himself eating Kentucky Fried Chicken on a private plane, like this:

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Wait. Is he eating fried chicken with a knife and fork?

Yes, he is. With a Styrofoam container of gravy, too. It’s that trash original recipe, too, not even the extra crispy.

How can you tell that from the picture?

Because I’m black.

Fair point. But why is the soda thing important?

Because aside from all the preservatives, chemicals and other stuff in Diet Coke, 12 cans of Diet Coke contain 552 milligrams of caffeine. The Mayo Clinic says that 400 mg is safe for most adults, meaning that Trump consumes nearly one-and-a-half times the recommended amount just from Diet Coke.

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But it’s his body, right?

Nah, fam. Until he’s impeached for obstructing justice, colluding with Russia or urinating all over Russian prostitutes, his body belongs to the American people, which is why some people were mad when he submitted a medical report from “the Dude” in The Big Lebowski saying that Trump was stronger than a speeding white supremacist’s bullet and able to leap tall constitutional requirements in a single bound.

I’m pretty sure that’s an accurate quote from the medical report.

But how does this affect us?

Because it is analogous to what he’s doing to America. If he’s willing to poison his body with fried chicken and Diet Coke with no regard for his own personal health, imagine what he’s willing to do to the national body. That’s probably why he wants to repeal Obamacare, because he doesn’t believe in all that health and science bullshit. Of course he’s OK with poisoning natural resources and destroying the environment—he’s chugging soda like he’s a frat boy at a keg party. I bet he even drinks it out of red Solo cups.

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Plus, caffeine is addictive, and caffeine withdrawals can cause headache, fatigue, anxiety, irritability, depressed mood and difficulty concentrating, according to WebMD. What if he’s in an hours-long negotiation on the Syrian conflict and he doesn’t have access to his “medicine”? Suppose Kim Jong Un drunk-tweets an insult to Trump in the middle of the night, and his hand is on the nuclear button and he’s trying to make a decision, but the presidential vending machine won’t accept Trump’s money because he’s trying to feed it a phony dollar bill with his face in it?

Do you want to die in a nuclear holocaust because the president was fiending for a Diet Coke?

Damn. So why do you think the Diet Coke controversy is stupid?

Because if we die in a nuclear holocaust, it won’t be because someone in the White House forgot to go to Safeway. It will be because people ignored Trump’s lack of experience, his racist past, his misogyny, the rise of the “alt-right,” his Russian ties, his refusal to release his tax returns, and every significant piece of journalism that forecast what kind of president he would turn out to be.

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We told them. We always knew he was trash.

But it is indicative of how dumb America is. They read 4,000 words on Trump’s bumbling through the presidency with a chip on his shoulders, an out-of-control ego and no idea of what the fuck he’s doing, but all they got out of it is his affinity for carbonated beverages. People are ignoring that fact that we have an immature, low-IQ wack job in the White House, and instead want to talk about Diet Coke. The fact that his diet is trash is not as important as the fact that he is trash. The soda controversy is so frustrating, it makes me want to explode.

Pop.

Exactly.