Dear White People:
I know your last few days have been fraught with peril as your president has engaged the only world leader as crazy and demented as he is in an intercontinental game of the dozens. I can only imagine how it must feel to go from tap dancing through a world of limitless privilege to living under the threat of impending doom, but I’d like to help.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that some of your black friends seem curiously nonplussed about the president of wypipo going World Championship Wrestling -era Rick Flair on North Korea’s Kim Jong Un all over Twitter. There are a few reasons black people ain’t afraid of no nuclear holocaust. Maybe you can extract some existential meaning or learn a few lessons from black people’s Kanye shrug in the shadow of our Armageddon that might bolster your fragility and help soothe your troubled mind, so I thought I’d share them with you.
1. You Get Used to It
You know how everything in life seems uncertain now? How you feel like you’re not in control of your destiny because some white dude drunk with more power than his level of intellect can handle could wipe out your existence because of his lack of knowledge and training?
What about your kids? Your grandchildren? What will happen to them? What if the bomb drops when they’re not home and they are caught in the nuclear blast? Don’t you feel helpless knowing that your future is in the hands of someone with too much privilege to know how dumb he is? Doesn’t it seem unfair that little ol’ you don’t even exist in his world? Isn’t it frustratingly maddening?
Now imagine living like this every day. That’s how black people feel every time they see blue lights flashing in their periphery. That’s how black people with master’s degrees feel having to take a job working under the white dude with a bachelor’s degree. That’s how a black mother feels when she sees stories of a police killing on the news and her son isn’t home yet.
Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.
2. The Bully Always Backs Down
I know that, aside from getting in shoving matches at honky-tonks, y’all are more the rape-and-pillage, enslave-your-people, take-your-resources, colonize-your-country, steal-your-culture type and aren’t really into fair fights, but here’s some information black people find comforting:
If you challenge a bully to a fair fight, he ain’t gon’ do shit.
We all know barking chihuahuas like Donald Trump who will stand in a group of people restraining him and scream, “You’d better be glad they’re holding me back.” But every now and then, someone lets go, or another dog gets behind the fence who isn’t afraid, and you know what always happens?
Trump isn’t interested in fighting Kim Jong Unattractive even though, in a private news conference, Trump said, “I loved his hit song ‘Gangnam Style.’” Trump will talk shit about German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, but Merkel and Nieto know he’s just a dim-witted egomaniac who has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about. Therefore, they ignore him for the sake of diplomacy.
But Kim Jong Un is crazier than Trump. You have to be crazy to pick a fight with the biggest bully on the block. Black America knows Trump is going to back down because we know white people (we’ll get to that later). White people don’t like to fight—they like to win.
3. All Bombs Matter
Why isn’t anyone talking about regular missiles? Why are we just focusing on the nuclear ones? North Korea has all kinds of weapons. They have tanks, guns, bazookas, etc., but you just want to talk about the nuclear weapons.
And why are you so worried about North Korean atomic bombs killing Americans when Americans kill Americans every day? What about American-on-American violence? Look, we don’t even need to talk about an intercontinental ballistic missile hitting New York and Los Angeles until we address American-on-American crime.
North Korea seems like they hate us, but there are a lot of countries that love America, like South Korea (sure, it probably has something to do with the thousands of American soldiers occupying their country, but still). Look, I’m sure there are some countries that have nuclear weapons with madmen at the helm who want to blow us to smithereens, but you’re blowing this way out of proportion. I guess what I’m trying to say is:
Not all countries.
4. We Know White People
The biggest reason black people are apathetic about this whole thing is that there is no greater student of what white people will do than black America. When the subtle shift of the Caucasian mindset can cause ripple effects that can change or end your life, you tend to get to know them well.
It is true for whatever reason (Obama) that the U.S. economy is running high. Unemployment is low. Corporate profits are up. The Republican Congress is about to lower the tax rate for wealthy individuals and corporations to -92.2 percent. All of this means one thing:
White people aren’t going to let Trump fuck up their money like that.
Rest assured that before Trump starts a nuclear war, the head of Wells Fargo, the CEO of the Illuminati and the entire executive committee of white people would be in the Oval Office with box cutters and swords ready to slit Trump’s throat.
There is a reason Trump is president: poor white people who vote Republican, moneyed billionaires who want to rule the world, white women, racists ... none of whom are served by instigating a nuclear holocaust. Before they let Trump destroy the good ol’ red, white and blue, I’m sure white people will step in.
White Americans were cool when Trump’s idiocy affected only the Muslims he was trying to ban from entry. They were eerily quiet when he announced that he would begin rounding up Hispanics. They sat silently in the shadows when he attacked affirmative action. They ignore police killings as long as it’s a black boy.
Well, I’m glad you get to see how it feels.
Black people have lived under the specter of having our existence erased on a white man’s whim since we stepped onto the shore at Jamestown Landing. Being black in America is living under a terrorist threat. We endured slavery. We got through Jim Crow.
We have lived through two holocausts—what’s one more?