Graphic: Michael Harriot (The Root; photo via iStock)

In March, Target customers in different parts of the country began finding cards emblazoned with the phrase, “It’s OK to be white” in boxes of diapers purchased from the retail giant.

According to the Anti-Defamation League, the first card was found inside a box of store-brand diapers bought in Washington, D.C. The opposite side of the card included information about websites such as the Daily Stormer and groups like the Traditionalist Workers Party.

Soon, another box of diapers containing the cards was delivered to a home in Florida (the package originated in Indianapolis), and another popped up in Hixson, Tenn. Many people began asking the obvious question: “Who the hell is buying Target-brand diapers?” While everyone knew that Caucasians were the likely culprits, some wanted to know who was specifically responsible.

Concerned citizens knew that there was only one person who could get to the bottom of this mystery. After Robert Mueller told them he was busy, someone suggested that our investigative unit at NICCAS (National Investigators of Crazy Caucasians Acting Stupid) take the case.

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We have narrowed our list down to the following persons of interest:

  • Tucker Carlson: The diet white nationalist might be the best-known advocate of the “It’s OK to be White” movement. Our behavioral experts determined that Carlson probably devours infants to maintain his devilish, squinty smile, but he usually puts them between two pieces of unbuttered toast. Forensic tests found no traces of mayonnaise on the diaper boxes, and not even Carlson would eat a dry baby sandwich. But given his previous comments, we are keeping an eye on him.

  • Michael Rapaport: Rapaport is jobless, and his recurring facial sores led us to believe that he washes his face with used diapers, providing him both motive and opportunity. But despite the fact that his face looks like Erik Killmonger’s chest, the rapidly decaying carcass of Michael Rapaport is known for his stereotypical, fetishized blackspeak. He definitely does not think it’s OK to be white.
  • The staff of The Root: Everyone knows they’re the real racists, especially that Yesha Callahan. Don’t let the Irish last name fool you—peep that first name.
  • Taylor Swift: Yakubeyoncé may have been trying to simulate the hype after Queen Bey was recently spotted in Target. While we doubt that Swift would engage in these kinds of activities, we thought the cards might be a marketing ploy announcing the name of her next album.
  • Tomi Lahren: Seriously, if you found out that Lahren was behind this, would you be surprised? We would. There’s no way Tomahawk knows the difference between “it’s” and “its.”
  • Donald Trump Jr.: He’s racist enough to do something like this, but he lacks the intelligence to execute it without being seen. Trump Jr. is so stupid that he posted an Eventbrite invitation to a secret hotel meeting with Soviet spies. No way he did this.

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After a full investigation, we were closing in on our final suspects (Rachel Dolezal’s parents and Jeff Sessions) when Target announced that the culprit was one of its employees. The retailer quickly fired the person for violating company policy.

“We sincerely apologize and share our guests’ concerns about the inappropriate message they found in their Target purchase,” a representative from Target told Adweek. “We’re working to urgently address this matter and are actively investigating this with our security teams. While we’re not able to share specific details of the investigation, we encourage any guests who may have received this message to share their experience by calling Target Guest Relations at 1-800-591-3869.”

Although our investigation is over, we would like to acknowledge that it actually is OK to be white. Not put-racist-business-cards-in-Target-diapers white, but regular white.

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Be Rachel Maddow white. Be “May I speak to your supervisor?” white. Be Panera Bread-ish. Be kalelike. An Avocado American. A no-hue man. A Mayo sapiens.*

This concludes our investigation.

* Copyright HabitatNoHumanity 2018.