President Donald Trump holds an African American History Month listening session attended by Director of Communications for the Office of Public Liaison Omarosa Manigault (L) and other officials in the Roosevelt Room of the White House on February 1, 2017 in Washington, DC.
Photo: Michael Reynolds (Getty Images)

There are a few people identifiable by only one name: Oprah, Cher, Madonna, and Omarosa. But only one of them has those Trump tapes!

That’s right, the woman you love to hate might be out here trying to save us all from the hot trash lava explosion that is the Trump administration. According to The Daily Beast Omarosa not only recorded President Trump, but she’s been playing the tapes for people because she’s messy like that. Omarosa was always planning an escape, from the time she latched onto the president’s heel like used Kleenex. Because Omarosa has always and only been about the self-promotion of Omarosa, those tapes have hopefully been transcribed in her forthcoming book Unhinged.

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Perhaps no journalist in American media has covered the relationship between Mrs. Manigault-Newman and Führer Trump more extensively than The Root’s own Stephen A. Crockett Jr. He is currently working on his second book about the former reality villain and the former reality villain’s time together in the White House entitled “Massa, You Done Yet? You Sure I Can’t Get You Anything Else?”

We would challenge anyone to find a writer who has written about cookouts more than our staff writer Michael Harriot, whose book, “What are Those?! A Look At Cookout Footwear” just came in at number 13 on the New York Times bestsellers list of books about cookout footwear.

The Root doesn’t have an advance copy of Omarosa’s new book, nor have we heard the tapes. But that isn’t going to stop these two from speculating about what Trump’s former favorite black might have captured during her time in the big house White House and rating that speculative incriminating material on a scale of how close Omarosa may get to coming back to the cookout.

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Michael Harriot: The Black Legislative American Cookouts Council (BLACC, the sanctioning body for the black cookout) has issued a permanent nationwide ban on Omarosa for cookouts in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and American Samoa. She was booed and heckled at last year’s National Association of Black Journalists Conference, which is essentially the 2nd ranked bougie cookout in the world (Congressional Black Caucus weekend still holds the number 1 spot).

Stephen Crockett Jr.: But, what if she captured Trump singing Trinidad James’ “All Gold Everything” shortly after winning the presidential election? Especially the part that goes “nigga, nigga, nigga”?

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MH: While it would be entertaining, it would have no real impact on African Americans. At best, it might reduce her 10-year sentence to 8 seasons.

SC: “Seasons?” What is the difference between seasons and years?

MH: Yes. Cookout seasons last from Easter weekend until Labor Day. Omarosa is banned from the cookout for 10 years, but if she produced a Trinidad Trump tape, we would consider reducing her sentence to eight seasons, meaning she could still attend events like Homecoming at Howard.

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However, if there was video, we might be willing to allow her to join in on off-season activities like Kwanzaa celebrations, on a case-by-case basis.

SC: Kwanzaa? Homecomings? But those aren’t even cookouts.

MH: Like most people, you misunderstand our jurisdiction. Our legislative authority covers the cookout, not just “cookouts.” The cookout also refers to tailgates, Thanksgiving dinners, fish fries, impromptu get-togethers and all-white parties.

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Basically, if it involves black people, food and brown liquor, it falls under the territory of the cookout.

But what if she had a recording of him using the n-word?

MH: Well the commission assumes that Donald Trump uses the n-word in private conversations at least twice a day. We wouldn’t reduce Omarosa’s penalty for a tape of Trump using a racial slur unless it was referring to actual policy.

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For instance, if there was a recording of Trump referring to the War on Drugs as “Nigger Lockup Laws” then we might consider a clause that allowed Omarosa access to day-after-cookout deviled eggs. But she would probably be embarrassed to release such a thing.

SC: Omarosa embarrassed? Look, in my extensive coverage of the Wicked Wench of the West, I can’t recall an instance of Omarosa being embarrassed. I have spoken to medical professionals and my sources told me that, as a child, Omarosa was born with Congenital Shame Deficiency.

MH: That explains a lot. I’ve read that Candace Owens and Kanye suffer from the same disease. We even took that into consideration when banning them from the cookout. Unfortunately, BLACC’s bylaws do not allow for medical exceptions.

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SC: Okay. But what if her tapes included audio of Trump admitting that he doesn’t pay taxes and that he made payments to porn stars from campaign funds?

MH: Now that would be serious! For something like that, we would be willing to cut her time in half and put her on cookout probation.

SC: Cookout probation?

MH: Yes, she could come to the cookout, but she would have to sit in the car and have someone bring her a plate. According to sentencing guidelines, the plate could only be fixed after everyone had seconds. And under no circumstances, would she be allowed the corners of any macaroni.

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SC: Ok. But let’s just say, for instance, that there was a verified recording of Donald Trump slapping the shit out of Jeff Sessions, ordering King Keebler to fire James Comey. Also, what if the recording included a sound bite of Trump screaming:

“You recused yourself, Mr. Magoo? You were supposed to fire that Frankenstein-looking motherfucker! Now Vladimir keeps saying he is going to sends his goons to Mar-a-Lago! I hired you to keep the feds off my back and you recuse yourself? Recuse this! [audible slap]”

MH: That would definitely prove collusion. If Omarosa produced something like that, it might lead to impeachment proceedings, in which case we would suspend her sentence and allow her to actually attend the cookout. However, the terms of her parole would still include conditions that prevented her from playing Spades or participating in any “Wobble”-related activities.

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Furthermore, she would be relegated to the kids’ table for a period of 3 seasons and could only consume the most severely burned hot dogs and would have to eat her hamburgers with Wonder bread ... And only the end pieces.

SC: I think that’s more than fair. I think Omarosa would agree to that.

What if she had a tape of the infamous Trump Tower meeting between Paul Manafort, Natalia Veselnitskaya, Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr. And what if the audio included Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin on speakerphone negotiating Russia’s help in election-meddling and real estate loans in exchange for lenient foreign policy, reducing Russian sanctions and a lifetime supply of Trump steaks?

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MH: If Omarosa had that, not only would she be invited to the cookout, but our team of deputized cookout enforcers would make sure she got the first plate at every cookout until the next election. She would be assured to always get the big joker and we might even be willing to give her a certificate that allowed her to attend any North American cookout without bringing anything, even aluminum foil.

Furthermore, she would always get a chair and would never, ever be forced to sit on a cooler.

SC: Wow. That’s a huge consideration. Last question:

In my coverage, I realized that Omarosa has always been willing to do almost anything to keep in Trump’s good graces and earn Trump’s trust. What if she has the biggest secret of all? What if Omarosa’s tape is actually the Russian pee tape we heard so much about?

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MH: If Omarosa releases a video of a naked, walrus-shaped Donald Trump surrounded by Russian sex workers soaking as he frolick’s under a stream of vodka scented urine like a toddler under a Slip-n-Slide ... If she has a tape of that ...

SC: Yes?

MH: Not only is she not invited to the cookout, we’d give her a life sentence.

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