In the time it takes for Beyoncé to drink some wowdamelm, at least two Sharkeishas and one Dontelmomthebabysittersdeadisha's have been born. And like Shaq taught us one of his multi-platinum albums (!!!!), you can't stop the reign. Black rules everything around me, but creamy crack gets the money.
Dolla dolla bill y'all.
It's the Sweet 16 of our #blackestname tournament. We've reached the point where if you can't swim then you're bound to drizzown. The Blackness levels we've reached at this point are at extinction level event levels and I, Panama Dontavious Jackson, am here for all of it. We've got Qs and apostrophes and Zs and bibles and the French. All of those ingredients come together to make all things Black. Like, what if we had a name like, Q'Ztiennemary. I don't even know if that's a man or a woman's name. Does it matter? Is it fair? Is it equal? Is it just? Is it right?
Who cares, because we're Black y'all, (Black y'all) Black y'all (Black y'all) Blacker than Black cuz we're Black.
Without further ado, welcome to Part 2. Make sure you also continue to vote in Part 1!
THE ATHLETES BRACKET
- D'Brickashaw Ferguson (79%, 248 Votes)
- Ha'Sean "Ha-Ha" Clinton Dix (21%, 67 Votes)
D'Brickashaw is the cake walk but I want to give props for a n*gga who goes by a term the Chinese people exclaim after I take a free sample for making it so far. I ain't know you had it in you Ha-Ha. I'm not sure I can drop a "pause" for another man so I won't. #apostrophesgonewild. I still see D'Brickashaw taking this one. It's almost like his parents watched some movie with Bruce Lee and saw a rickshaw and thought it was "brickshaw" then went full Black and got creative and was like, let's name him The Brickshaw = D'Brickashaw. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.
- D'Qwell Jackson (55%, 172 Votes)
- God'sgift Achiuwa (45%, 144 Votes)
I don't care what anybody says, D'Qwell Jackson is definitely in the running as one of the actual Blackest names ever. I can't find a middle name on this man anywhere either. Maybe he doesn't have one or he's like folks in my family whose names are literal leters. Like, F. I have an Uncle F. I'm serious. God'sgift ain't got it to beat no ninja named D'Qwell. I just don't see it. I' m Ray Charles to the bullsh*t.
THE BLACK PEOPLE WHITE PEOPLE KNOW BRACKET
- Shaquille O'Neal (62%, 194 Votes)
- Beyonce Knowles-Carter (38%, 119 Votes)
Queen Bey versus Superman aka Shaq Diesel. Both super dominant in their lanes and both transcending the WTF is his name stigma to the point where nobody even questions what the f*ck a Shaquille really is. White people say this name with such ease and normalcy. Same with Beyoncé. But I see Beyonce rolling up the partition on Shaq here and hitting him with an "I love you like XO". Who run the world? Girls? Possibly. But who the f*ck want it with 'Yoncé? Nobody. Except maybe Solange who is out of the running. Her normal position. Huzzah!
- Quvenzhané Wallis (82%, 257 Votes)
- Condoleezza Rice (18%, 56 Votes)
This might be the most colorful pairing of names in this tournament. Even Rice is looking extra Black to me right now because of all this ethnicity dripping onto my keyboard. I righteously can't call this one. All I know is that if God were a just God, a woman named Condoleezza and a woman named Quvenzhané would be best friends and talk about their lives together on Oprah while Cymphonique sang them an ode to love. Soul music is…life. And Black is Black, y'all.