Adult-film actress-director Stormy Daniels attends the 2018 Adult Video News Awards at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino on Jan. 27, 2018, in Las Vegas. (Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

President Donald Trump didn’t pay porn star Stormy Daniels in an attempt to hide their reported affair. Trump’s longtime personal lawyer, Michael D. Cohen, paid Stormy, née Stephanie Clifford, out of his own pocket, but he won’t say why she was paid or what she was paid for. Cohen also claims that he was not reimbursed for his payment to Clifford; nor did he ask to be reimbursed.

“Neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign was a party to the transaction with Ms. Clifford, and neither reimbursed me for the payment, either directly or indirectly,” Cohen told the New York Times in a statement. “The payment to Ms. Clifford was lawful, and was not a campaign contribution or a campaign expenditure by anyone.”

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The Times also notes that Cohen would not answer any follow-up questions, including whether the president was aware of a $130,000 payment being made to Clifford.

So in case the first few paragraphs were too long to read, here is a recap of what Cohen wants people to believe: Trump didn’t have an affair with porn actress Stormy Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford. Trump didn’t pay Daniels to be quiet about their affair. Cohen just randomly paid her $130,000 out of his own pocket and didn’t ask the president for reimbursement. And Cohen won’t answer whether the president knew that Clifford was being paid a lump sum by his personal lawyer.

At this point, we, the American people, should all be insulted. This lie registers right between second- and third-grade level. I feel like I need to channel a black mother who has just learned from her son that a large sum of money is missing: 

Black mother: You expect me to believe that one of your little friends gave that hooker all the money and you didn’t know nothing about it?! You better get upstairs and come up with a better story before your father gets home because even he ain’t going to believe this shit!

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Seriously, this is embarrassing even for this administration. Here is what happened: In 2006, Trump bedded a porn star a month after his beloved captive Melania gave birth to their son, Baron. In January 2018, the Wall Street Journal claimed that Trump’s lawyer paid said porn star—who, over the years, hadn’t kept her trap shut about said relationship—$130,000 in 2016 to stop talking about said affair because Trump was running for president.

Cohen is giving the most insight into this exchange of funds, but he’s playing the American public short. Cohen told the Times that it was a “private transaction” that was lawful. He added that he gave the Federal Election Commission the same statement “in response to a complaint filed by the government watchdog group Common Cause, which filed a complaint saying that the payment, which was made through a limited liability company that Mr. Cohen established, was an in-kind contribution to the Trump campaign,” the Times reports.

“The complaint alleges that I somehow violated campaign finance laws by facilitating an excess, in-kind contribution,” Cohen said in his statement. “The allegations in the complaint are factually unsupported and without legal merit, and my counsel has submitted a response to the F.E.C.”

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Cohen refused to provide any more clarity into the situation, but that’s cool because I think we all know what this money was for and why it was paid.