President Donald Trump (2nd R) watches as Jeff Sessions (L) is sworn-in as the new U.S. Attorney General by U.S. Vice President Mike Pence (R) in the Oval Office of the White House February 9, 2017 in Washington, DC. Trump also signed three executive orders immediately after the swearing in ceremony. Also pictured is Sessions’s wife, Mary (2nd L), holding the bible.
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

Because President Donald Trump doesn’t know how any of this works, he still believes that the Department of Justice is his personal militia who exist merely to handle cases he deems worthy.

On Friday, the president called for the U.S. Justice Department to get to the bottom of the great White House mystery of who authored the New York Times op-ed that basically said the Trump administration is a fucking mess and the author is a part of the resistance to undermine his authoritarianism.

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“We’re going to take a look at what he had, what he gave, what he’s talking about, also where he is right now,” Trump told reporters aboard Air Force One, the Washington Post reports.

The duly-elected dotard added that if the unnamed author has a high-level security clearance, “and he goes into a high-level meeting concerning China or Russia or North Korea or something, I don’t want him in those meetings,” Trump said.

Trump also called the anonymous author a “sick person” and added that Jeff Sessions (the Toby to Trump’s Michael Scott) should be looking into this because Sessions is Trump’s whipping boy who will never be in Trump’s good graces because he rightfully recused himself from the investigation into Russian urine collusion during the 2016 presidential campaign in which Russia handed the election to their favorite operative.

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“I would say Jeff should be investigating who the author of that piece was because I really believe it’s national security,” Trump said.

Trump noted that he trusts White House staffers but added that he looks around the room to make sure he knows everyone. He then did what Trump does best; lied, and claimed that the White House is running smoothly.

“We have a really well-run, smooth-running White House. It’s a well-oiled machine. It is running beautifully,” he said.

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Meanwhile, after conducting our own investigation into the various types of machine lubricants, The Root can safely report that bullshit is not an oil.