On Tuesday, the president of back-road moonshine runners decided to have a full-on dick-measuring contest with the most unstable nation in the whole, entire world: North Korea. Think about this; North Korea is so incredibly unstable that the one American, out of the billions of Americans in existence, North Korea loves is Dennis Rodman, arguably the most unstable NBA player in the history of unstable NBA players.
That’s how unstable North Korea is.
During a photo op Tuesday at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J., President Donnerys Trumpgaryen issued the most ridiculously worded stern ultimatum to North Korea, saying that it needed to stop making threats against the U.S. or “face fire and fury like the world has never seen.”
And let me also point out here that President Little Finger made this statement while on vacation at his fucking golf club! He literally threatened a nation with an unstable leader while he’s on vacation.
All of this started after learning “that North Korea has produced a miniaturized nuclear warhead, according to multiple sources familiar with the analysis of North Korea’s missile and nuclear program,” CNN reports.
“North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen. ... He has been very threatening beyond a normal state. They will be met with fire, fury and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before,” Trump said.
I hate anyone who uses phrases like “best not.” Seriously.
Clearly, Trump doesn’t give a shit about Lawrence and Issa and is only doing this to ruin the little bit of good life we have left. Should the world come to a fiery end, here are the five things I’m going to miss.
5. Lawrence and Issa
If there is a way to speed up this reunion before the end of the world, then we need to make it happen, now. We don’t have time for Issa to find another boyfriend, only for that boyfriend to be trash. It’s time for Lawrence to come home, and more importantly, it’s time for Issa to paint her ceiling, move her clothes back to her side of the closet and let him back in.
4. A Wrinkle in Time
I don’t even know what the hell this is about, but I know that the trailer alone had folks losing their shit, and if the world ends, I won’t get to see all these great black actors in The Wiz outfits doing whatever it is that they are doing. Also, Oprah.
3. Half-Price Wing Night at Buffalo Wild Wings
I don’t know when the night actually is, but I always end up there on the night when it’s happening. Little wings are God’s gift to those of us who find full-sized wings frightening. Little wings with different flavors help those of us who can’t decide what to eat. Little flavored wings at half price is God’s way of making up for this presidency, and if he comes into North Korea on a flying dragon, then half-price wing night goes to shit.
2. Colin Kaepernick’s Redemption
Should President Satan Face end it all, we won’t get to see Colin Kaepernick get picked up and, in turn, make America pay for holding him out for so long.
1. Sasha and Malia
Being that they’re, like, the offspring of two superheroes, I’ve been waiting for the moment that both Sasha and Malia Obama become old enough to run for office. Sure, they have free will, but we all know that every superhero at some point has to deal with the superhero credo: With great power comes great responsibility. And yes, I saw the video of one of them wildin’ out at Lollapalooza, but I still would take either one of them over the administration we have now.
Read more at CNN.