Trillion Ton Iceberg That Just Broke Off From Antarctica Was Obviously Just Trying To Buy NBC

This is the only reasonable explanation for why a chunk of ice the size of Delaware is currently lurking untethered near the Antarctic Peninsula; floating around all unbothered and harnessless and free like Rihanna. Not global warming or any other extinction-level, SCARY-AS-THE-MOTHERFUCKING-FUCK shit outlined in this nightmare-inducing NY Mag story about the doomed Earth. (And how the doom might happen much, much sooner — and might be much more, for lack of a better term, "biblical" — than we've assumed.) Not the Earth collectively side-eyeing America for electing the teeth and tongue and fingertip-staining crumbs found at the bottom of a bag of Cheetos to lead us. Not God getting annoyed with us ignoring His requests for us to do the dishes and protect the rainforests and thinking "Maybe if I change the damn map tomorrow morning, these niggas will finally listen."

No, the iceberg was interested in buying NBC. It planned to make NBC a more iceberg-friendly network — featuring shows and series devoted to uplifting the iceberg community and depicting the nuanced totality of the iceberg existence — and even had the capital and the resources to make it happen. And then, boom. They broke it off. Literally.

Anyway, this is clearly what happened. There's nothing else to see here.