Since the election of Donald J. Trump, we have witnessed an eclectic mix of black people streaming from Trump Tower, called upon by the dollop-shaped dictator to help him solve the problems of black America. Most of us have cast a skeptical eye at his selections because they seemingly have no training, expertise or qualifications in any area except for the melanin in their skin.
Every black person in America has fallen victim to this kind of low-volume, soft racism. I’m sure you’ve encountered a well-meaning white co-worker who saw a black criminal on the news and offhandedly asked if you knew him. How many times has someone assumed that you knew some obscure fact about “the hood” as if it were on the black citizenship test?
Ben Carson has no experience in housing and urban development aside from the fact that Trump assumes all black people must know something about “the projects.” Besides sporting a mustache that makes him look like an out-of-work janitor, what exactly does Steve Harvey know about repairing the “inner city”? Does MLK’s son have any expertise in race relations, or did Trump take one look at Martin Luther King III’s overinflated head and think, “This nigga must know something”?
In a presidential administration whose Cabinet is filled with billionaire poster boys for white privilege, do not expect this parade of tokens to end anytime soon. In fact, we have acquired a list of people Donald Trump has planned to ask for assistance in fixing the country’s #BlackPeopleProblems. We have winnowed down the lineup, and present the top 10 to you in descending order:
10. Morgan Freeman
The U.S. Department of Education states that black students are three times more likely than white students to attend a school where less than 60 percent of the teachers are certified. African-American students receive harsher punishment for the same school-code violations and have less access to math and science programs. Trump believes that Morgan Freeman can obviously fix the education gap. Just look at the spectacular job he did transforming that New Jersey school in Lean on Me, and all he needed was a bat and a bullhorn! The raspy-voiced actor also doesn’t believe race affects income inequality (because he and Don Lemon are rich) and hates Black History Month, which makes him a perfect pick for the Trump team.
If Freeman is unable to fulfill his duties, Mark Curry can jump in because of his valuable experience as a substitute teacher in Hanging With Mr. Cooper.
9. Stacey Dash
Stacey Dash will head Donald Trump’s efforts to repair race relations. Dash has shown time and time again that there is one key to bringing white people and black people together: Simply agree with whatever white people say. The spawn of Satan is a master at contorting herself to land on the side of wypipo.
If a Caucasian told Dash that 2 + 2 = 5, she would immediately castigate black people for buying into the liberal media’s math agenda, and we know that the Trump administration has no room for facts and statistics.
8. Charles Barkley
A longtime Republican and ardent “Blue Lives Matter” supporter, the round mound of rebound would be perfect to look into problems of police brutality. Although he dismisses the disproportionate killing of black men by police officers as “mistakes,” while admonishing black people to “do better” and to stop resisting arrest, no one can question the temperament of the former basketball superstar who once tossed a man through a window in front of a police officer for throwing ice in his face.
Any conversation with someone from the “alt-right” longer than 11 seconds immediately delves into “black-on-black crime” even though whites kill more whites than black people kill one another, and violent crime is about the same across racial lines when you account for income. Conservatives choose to ignore this, so Trump will quench the Republican thirst for law and order by selecting someone who is actually from the TV show Law & Order. Genius.
Plus, I’m sure, as a former pimp, Ice-T can give him some pussy-grabbing pointers.
6. Ray Lewis
With one visit to Trump Tower under his belt already, Ray Lewis called out the Black Lives Matter movement for ignoring black-on-black crime. His willingness to carry water for alt-right racists without knowing or caring about real statistics makes him perfect for the Trump administration’s efforts to reach out to black youths. Actually, the Trump campaign does not care about black youth.s
And neither did Ray Lewis on the night members of his entourage were implicated in the deaths of 21-year old Jacinth Baker and 24-year-old Richard Lawler, then climbed back into Lewis’ limo and sped away to destroy the evidence.
5. Kim Burrell
Like all Republicans, Trump says he wants to reach out to the LGBTQ community. Like all Republicans, Kim Burrell is a homophobe who hides her hate behind religion while believing that all those “perverts” will burn in hell.
She’ll be great at blocking bathrooms and blessings.
The administration has yet to determine if she will serve as the Undersecretary of Shuck or as National Director of Jive.
3. Mike Tyson
Because black men’s prison sentences are 20 percent longer than those of white men who commit the same crime. Because black men are twice as likely to face a federal mandatory minimum as white men. Because Tyson’s been locked up before. Because—who’s gonna say no to Mike Tyson?
2. Snoop Dogg
I doubt Snoop will even meet with Trump (unless Steve Bannon invites him up for a smoke session—you know neo-Nazis have all the good weed), but ever since Trump heard the song “Bitches Ain’t Shit,” he’s been a huge Snoop fan. Although Mr. Doggy Dogg has no formal legal or policy training, the transition team is sure Snoop can solve the conservative base’s problem with the legalization of marijuana. After all, how can Republicans continue their idiotic war against marijuana if Snoop smokes it all?
1. Bill Cosby
Who better to solve America’s health care gap than Bill Cosby? The Trump team knows that Cosby has some time on his hands, and as mutual admirers of sexual assault, they are sure to get along swimmingly. Cosby has a lot of experience getting prescription medicine to people. Plus, as far as Trump knows, only three black men have achieved a medical degree: Dr. Ben Carson, Dr. Dre (I told you The Chronic is Donald’s favorite album) and Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable.