In 2011, America was doing just fine. And then this happened ...

In news that is shocking to no one who even remotely watches basketball, the NBA draft has come and gone, and LiAngelo Ball—the middle Ball child, the one who doesn’t have the height of older brother Lonzo or the potential of younger brother LaMelo—has gone undrafted.

Please, Papa Ball, don’t make your middle son, and arguably the least talented of the Ball boys, LiAngelo Ball, actually attend the draft. On Tuesday it was announced that the Marlon Jackson of the Ball family, who already ruined his collegiate career by dropping out of UCLA to play professional basketball in…

I cannot figure out if LaVar Ball, the enigmatic father of three basketball prodigies, is a genius using common man’s-speak or, really just a common man speaking nonsense.

Recy Taylor should never be forgotten; Oprah says so.

Basketball dad LaVar Ball is living his best 2018, and it’s only two days old. According to Google, he not only parlayed one potential star child and two mediocre talents into an empire but also invented the NBA.

I don’t want to spend time counting other people’s money, but when you are famous and buy your equally famous loudmouth dad a loudmouth’s luxury car, and post video of it on social media, you are begging for me to be in your pockets.

A sizable part of LaVar Ball’s appeal for people he happens to appeal to is that he’s a walking, talking distillation of many of the half-baked but smart-sounding arguments about sports that often occur in barbershops, during happy hours, over barbecue pits, at spades tables and on the bleachers of midget-league…

The most hated sports dad in American history may have just taken his hate levels to new heights. The Big Baller Brand CEO isn’t just telling his kids to skip college—he’ll soon be offering top high school prospects a paid alternative to the National Collegiate Athletic Association.

LaVar Ball may have really done it now. On Monday the senior-most Ball announced that he was pulling his middle son, LiAngelo, from UCLA. Big Ball was upset that the school had placed his son and two other students—Cody Riley and Jalen Hill—on indefinite suspension after the three student-athletes were caught…

LaVar Ball is reportedly unhappy with the punishment his middle son, LiAngelo, is receiving at UCLA since returning to campus in the aftermath of the China shoplifting incident—so much so that he has removed the younger Ball from the school in order to explore other options.

The battle of the blowhards between everybody’s loud-ass uncle and white America’s racist grandpa has reached a fever pitch. LaVar Ball’s unwillingness to bow down to Donald Trump has spurred an endless stream of media reports and interviews, prompting Trump to lash out at Ball for his refusal to admit that Ball’s…

LaVar Ball doesn’t give a fuck. The sooner you understand that, the sooner you will grow accustomed to him not giving a fuck about what Donald Trump—or anyone else, for that matter—says about him.

I cannot believe that I live in an America where there are people who don’t know LeVar Burton. He’s only the man who taught every child born during the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s how to read through the miraculous gift of the PBS show Reading Rainbow! Can anyone else say that?

President ChiChi von FruitSnacks is up to his old WWE tactics again: He spent his presidential morning on the White House toilet tweeting his thoughts about an African-American father who doesn’t fuck with him.

Like the devil—who I’ve heard is a 3-handicap golfer and makes a killer sangria—Donald Trump is not without his good qualities. He’s a great, Zoolander-level squinter. Perhaps one of the world’s all-time great squinters. He’s apparently amazing at purchasing and eating KFC. It’s not a game with Trump’s Chicken Littles…

If there is ever a lesson to be learned about LaVar Ball, it is that the man has powered up on his smack-talk game, and you will never be able to best him at it, even if you bring him on your CNN news show in an attempt to do so. Unfortunately, CNN host Chris Cuomo became the object lesson of this Monday night.

President Ludwig von FuckFace will not stop wading in the petty pool. In fact, if we wanted a messy president who lives for drama, then the right person is in office.

Sentient Mr. Potato Head with Larry David-brand Asperger’s LaVar Ball successfully trolled the world’s biggest troll into . . .

To hear the authorities tell it, UCLA basketball players LiAngelo Ball, Jalen Hill and Cody Riley all decided that stealing from a store while their team was in China was the best idea ever, and they were subsequently caught, arrested and faced 10 years in a Chinese prison. But then the impossible happened! Your…