Fortunately, Ezekiel Elliott Just (Allegedly) Beat His Ex-Girlfriend but Didn’t Sit During the Anthem, so He’ll Be Back Soon!

Earlier today, ESPN reports, sentient cash register wrapped in a Jos. A. Bank discount-rack pocket square Roger Goodell rained mediocre vengeance and slightly perturbed anger down on the hopes of the Dallas Cowboys and their fans as the NFL suspended Ezekiel Elliott six games for a series of alleged domestic abuse…