Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Alabama Roy Moore speaks at a campaign rally in Fairhope, Ala., on Sept. 25, 2017. (Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Alabama Republican Senate candidate and grown-ass man who still wears a cowboy outfi Roy Moore penned an open letter to the inflated-beach-ball-sized head that sits atop Sean Hannity’s neck Wednesday after the Fox News pundit and maker-up of things to scare white people gave Moore 24 hours to answer multiple allegations of sexual misconduct.

Instead of summarizing the letter, we will, instead, print it in full with our annotated remarks:

Dear Sean:

I am suffering the same treatment other Republicans have had to endure.

A month prior to the general election for U.S. Senate in Alabama, I have been attacked by The Washington Post and other liberal media in a desperate attempt to smear my character and defeat my campaign. [1]

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1. First of all, the Washington Post isn’t the one walking around every day dressed like they’re auditioning to play Yosemite Sam in a live-action Bugs Bunny movie. Nor were they the ones allegedly trolling junior varsity football games, asking ninth-graders if they needed help with their social studies homework. I’d say that had something to do with “smearing your character”... but, whatever dude. 

Over the last 40 years I have held several public offices, including Deputy District Attorney, Circuit Judge, and Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. [2] In addition to running five statewide and three county campaigns for public office, I have been involved in two major controversies that attracted national attention, one about the Ten Commandments and the other the sanctity of marriage.

The Alabama Judicial Inquiry Commission, Court of the Judiciary, and Attorney General have investigated, scrutinized, examined, and vetted me, not to mention every opposing candidate against whom I have run. [3]

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2. You were elected in Alabama. To get elected in Alabama, all you have to do is say something about Jesus and have an “R” next to your name on the ballot. Alabama Republicans would elect a sock puppet to office if he showed up at the local Walmart and formed a prayer circle after handing out cans of Mountain Dew.

3. Again, “vetting” in Alabama is different. You only have to answer three questions:

  • Are you a U.S. citizen?
  • Do you believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? (The blond one, though. Not that socialist Arab fella.)
  • War Eagle or Roll Tide?

I have been married for almost 33 years to my wife Kayla. We have four children and five granddaughters. [4]

We are in the process of investigating these false allegations to determine their origin and motivation. For instance, we have documented that the most recent accuser, Beverly Nelson, was a party in a divorce action before me in Etowah County Circuit Court in 1999. No motion was made for me to recuse. In her accusations, Nelson did not mention that I was the judge assigned to her divorce case in 1999, a matter that apparently caused her no distress at a time that was 18 years closer to the alleged assault. Yet 18 years later, while talking before the cameras about the supposed assault, she seemingly could not contain her emotions. [5]

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4. Translation: I’m straight. And I be fucking. Also, let’s not forget Kayla’s yearbook photo is right next to one of the accusers’.

5. Dude, what the hell are you talking about? So your first line of defense against a woman who said you sexually assaulted her is: “Well, why didn’t she say something about that traumatic day in her life when I was a powerful judge, sitting in front of her exercising my authority over the dissolution of her marriage, in what was probably another one of the most traumatic experiences in her life”? That’s the excuse you’re gonna go with? For real? I would have suggested, “I am innocent. I didn’t do this,” but you’re the legal expert here. So ... aight. 

My signature on the order of dismissal in the divorce case was annotated with the letters “D.A.,” representing the initials of my court assistant. Curiously the supposed yearbook inscription is also followed by the same initials—“D.A.” But at that time I was Deputy District Attorney, not district attorney. Those initials as well as the date under the signature block and the printed name of the restaurant are written in a style inconsistent with the rest of the yearbook inscription. The “7’s” in “Christmas 1977” are in a noticeably different script than the “7’s” in the date “12-22-77.” I believe tampering has occurred. [6]

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6. “That’s not my signature in her yearbook, so I didn’t assault her.” Again, this is your defense? I’m worried about you, Roy. Not specifically you, per se. I’m worried about all of the people whose cases you presided over. I’m not a lawyer or anything, but you seem to be shitty at legal stuff, Roy. First, the Ten Commandment thing, then, you said, “Our rights come “from God,” not the Constitution. Now this. It’s almost like you learned the law in ... wait ... now I get it. 

Are we at a stage in American politics in which false allegations can overcome a public record of 40 years, stampede the media and politicians to condemn an innocent man, and potentially impact the outcome of an election of national importance? [7] When allegations of events occurring 40 years ago—and never before mentioned during a 40-year career of public service—are brought out and taken seriously only 30 days before a critical election, we may be in trouble as a country. [8]

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7. Can false allegations overcome 40 years of public service? Where the hell have you been, Roy? Are you asking if lies like—oh, let’s say Benghazi, emails and Russian trolls—can overcome a public record like ... oh, let’s say a senator and secretary of state? I’m gonna say “yes” to this one. 

8. I wholeheartedly agree. We are in trouble as a country.

I adamantly deny the allegations of Leigh Corfman and Beverly Nelson, did not date underage girls, and have taken steps to begin a civil action for defamation. Because of that, at the direction of counsel, I cannot comment further. [9]

Roy S. Moore [10]

9. I hope he’s a better attorney than you are.

10. Liar.

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